Letters to Leland

May 30, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

“I know what I need to do…so why haven’t you done it already?!”

I’ve been struggling to articulate something I notice regularly, whether in politics, family dynamics, or other relationships. We notice some problem or behavior, and it really bothers us. Usually the behavior repeats, either because the same person acts in the same manner, or because we experience some version of the same behavior at home, at work, and in the news. For an example, think about a mom who gets upset every time a child does something…and the child does that thing (or some variation of it) over and over. Or consider a political party who gets upset every time the other party does something…and the other party does the thing over and over again. Or even the person who gets roiled over what they see in the news…only to see variations of the same outrage played out over and over.

Why do we do this? Why do we get irrationally angry over someone else’s behavior? (Why do I say it’s irrational? Because we stew on these perceived injustices for hours, and sometimes even days, often despite a complete lack of ability to control or even influence the parties involved.) I’ve come to believe that any time we get particularly upset, it has more to do with ourselves than with the offending party. So I’m learning to turn my attention inward when I get upset, to understand what’s really going on with me. What I notice most commonly is that when someone (or some behavior) offends me repeatedly, it’s because I’m avoiding something. And of course, I don’t want to notice that I’m avoiding something, so my psyche works very hard to help me not notice the thing I’m avoiding. And apparently one of our psyche’s best tricks is to help us notice the same (or what we perceive to be the same) avoidant behavior in others. Constantly noticing a failing in others helps us convince ourselves that we don’t have the same failing, or at least not to the same degree. So we don’t need to solve our problem, they just need to solve their problem.

But we notice and get frustrated precisely because some part of our soul knows what we need to do, and keeps reminding us. So when we notice a particularly frustrating behavior over and over, it’s because our soul is really pushing us to learn something about ourselves, and convince us to take action. And so we get stuck in a dance, where our soul keeps bringing something to our attention, and we work harder and harder at avoiding the thing by getting increasingly exasperated by those around us. It’s a strange dichotomy, but there it is.

“I know what I need to do…so why haven’t you done it already?!”

The soul knows. But the ego resists.

We just came home from a trip over the long weekend. We rented a house with another family, a family we see and travel with frequently. The parents are some of our closest friends, and we are lucky to have kids of similar ages. Every time we visit or vacation together, everyone has lots of fun.

But for whatever reason, I have a tendency to get irrationally frustrated with their eldest son. I say this not with righteousness, or even pride. I say this to help illustrate how this child has been one of the most important teachers in my life.

Robert (not his real name) is an energetic, outgoing, kind, caring, sweet young boy. He’s also reasonably strong willed. Like all children (and adults for that matter) he’s less agreeable when he’s tired or hungry. He can get so excited to be around others that he can barely contain himself. And when he’s not getting the attention he wants, he can get frustrated and misbehave.

I originally noticed my frustration with Robert couple years ago, when he was 3. My perception at the time was that Robert’s parents had limited ability to reign in his bad behavior. To be very clear, all kids (especially 3-year olds) behave badly sometimes. My perception was that Robert’s parents struggled to set clear boundaries, such that Robert knew where his limits were. Because Robert didn’t have clear boundaries (or so I thought), his parents spent a lot of energy attempting to correct his behavior. Unfortunately for them, Robert often ignored them, forcing them to either spend more energy attempting to correct, or giving up in frustration.

Eventually Robert would break one of our house rules (like not picking up after himself), and I would intervene, asking Robert to abide by our rules when visiting our house. Robert tried to ignore me like his parents, but I would intervene, usually picking him up, looking him in the eyes, and explaining that I needed his cooperation following our house rules. Invariably Robert complied, and I think our relationship is stronger precisely because I set firm boundaries with him.

But I found myself thinking about Robert days after we saw him. I would imagine scenarios playing (“and when he says this, I will say that; and when he does this, I will do that”), when it suddenly hit me how absurd this all was. Robert was 3, and I was expending a ridiculous amount of energy trying to control a 3-year old that wasn’t even mine! Clearly a 3-year old isn’t acting in malice, and any perception otherwise was me projecting. That, finally, was when I realized that my frustrations with Robert had little to do with Robert, and everything to do with me.

So I meditated with the question: why does this bother me so much? My first order answer was that I was frustrated with Robert’s dad for not setting firmer boundaries with Robert. But I realized this was a copout: I was just shifting blame from Robert to his father. My second order answer was that I didn’t think Robert’s dad was providing enough of a masculine presence in his household. And that’s when it hit me: my real frustration was that I didn’t think I was providing enough of a masculine presence in my household. As soon as I identified the true source of my frustration, I stopped worrying about Robert at all, and focused on the work I needed to do within me.

Since then I’ve noticed various ways in which Robert’s dad sets clear boundaries with him. Did Robert’s dad change, or did my perception change? I honestly don’t know the answer to that, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was more about my perception than any behavioral change in Robert’s family.

A year later, as Robert and Everett got old enough to become playmates, I started to notice that Robert didn’t always “play fair”. Sometimes he would take something from Everett. Sometimes he would purposely knock over something Everett was building. Sometimes he would even push or scratch Everett. Everett, being the younger brother, was used to crying to adults to get his way. But this wasn’t really working for Everett in this situation: the adults weren’t paying close enough attention to ensure fair outcomes, and weren’t interested in spending all our time together refereeing between you two.

And yet, I found myself deeply frustrated on Everett’s behalf. So I asked myself why. The first order answer was that I didn’t want Robert to bully Everett. The second order answer was that I didn’t want Everett to let Robert bully him. The real answer was that I was tired of feeling bullied myself (at work, but also at home).

[Everett: This particular story has an interesting ending: on another weekend trip, I pulled Everett aside and said “Everett, you are bigger and stronger than Robert. You don’t have to let him take things from you. You can stand up for yourself.” I didn’t go into any more specifics, but sensed you understood. A few minutes later, Robert knocked down something you were building. You looked him square in the eyes and shouted “STOP!”. This got the moms’ attention, and your mom said “He didn’t mean it Everett”; after things calmed down I pulled her aside. Before I said anything, she said “I know, I did that”. I said to her gently but firmly, “when our son is being bullied, you do not stand up for the bully”. I explained that Robert had, in fact, knocked the structure down on purpose, and that you were within your rights to stand up for yourself. I believe she then followed up and apologized, but she definitely did more to look out for your needs since. Later, Robert tried to take away a stuffy you found at the house and really liked. You objected, and Robert screamed. The moms intervened and decided you should take turns. To your credit, you moved on and did something else. After a few minutes, Robert stood up and waived the stuffy in front of you. It worked: you stood up to try to get the stuffy back from him, sensing that it was rightfully your turn. Robert ran away in glee, until you caught up to him, at which point he screamed again. You let go lest the moms get involved again, and he ran away in glee again. I walked to see what would happen: I found you both on top of a bunk bed. You had chased Robert up onto the top bunk, and you had him trapped. You weren’t actively coming after the stuffy, but it was clear to both of you that you weren’t letting him off the bed with the stuffy. At this point Robert’s dad arrived, surveyed the situation for a few seconds, and asked “Robert, do you want to take a nap?” Robert said yes, handed you the stuffy, and crawled down to go take a 2-hour nap. He just needed some help, and didn’t know how to ask for it. I was so proud of how you handled that situation, and that weekend in general.]

I am thrilled to report that I didn’t experience any particular frustration with Robert on our most recent trip. In fact, I found myself feeling sad for Robert. I perceived that most of his misbehavior seems to be an effort to get the attention of his parents, or his friends (in this case, you guys). One morning I watched him start grabbing food while announcing “I’m hungry”. Your mom calmly and warmly offered to help him. She clarified what he wanted and heated it up for him. Robert calmly sat and ate, and I think even visited with your mom a bit. What particularly struck me: I’ve seen almost identical interactions be much more contentious between Robert and the adults in his life. I was reminded this weekend that Robert is an energetic, playful, kind, sweet boy who sometimes cannot contain his excitement around others, but really just wants to be loved.

Of course, I’m still not really talking about Robert. I’m really talking about me. I don’t know how he does it, but Robert teaches me more about myself than almost anyone else I know. He’s helped me become more aware of myself and my flaws, he’s helped me identify what I need to do to improve myself and create the person and the life that I want. I’m grateful that I have him in my life, and I really look forward to seeing him and his parents again soon.

I love you,

Eric

May 21, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

A few days ago I received a scary medical test result. The test is called a Coronary Artery Calcium, or CAC score, and it measures the amount of calcified plaque in the arteries. Basically, unlike lipid tests, the CAC gives a direct measurement of the blockage in one’s arteries.

My doctor sent me my result and informed me that I was in the 99th percentile for my age group. Heart disease is currently the leading cause of death in America, so being in the top 1 percent of my age group, well, it scared me.

My previous doctor in Singapore was the first to propose I take the calcium test. He didn’t anticipate we’d find anything, and in fact was promoting it as a way to rule out heart disease as a concern over the next ten years. Alas: we discovered even then that I already had a rather shocking amount of plaque buildup in my arteries. We followed up with a cardiologist who confirmed that I was at no immediate risk of a heart attack, but suggested I start a “massive” dose of statins. I read about statins, and was reluctant to start them so young (I was 38 at the time); my doctor (not the cardiologist) and I decided to pursue lifestyle changes. I went on a ketogenic diet, saw a nutritionist regularly, and started an strength training regimen. I lost 50-60 pounds, and within a year weighed less than I had exiting high school (albeit presumably with less muscle). After 18 months I requested a retest, and while the plaque had progressed, I had pretty dramatically slowed down the progression. My intention at the time was to ratchet up my exercise routine, and attempt to get in outstanding physical shape.

Shortly after the second test, our family moved back to the U.S. Unfortunately, this changed everything in my life. I did not maintain my diet, my weight loss, nor my exercise routine. The four years since we moved back have been some of the most stressful of my life. In those four years, your mom and I both worked stressful jobs, we built a house, your mom’s dad passed away, and Covid lockdowns increased work stress while decreasing healthy outlets to deal with work stress. None of these are meant to be excuses; they are just what happened. Throughout I worried about what the stress might be doing to my body, and particularly my heart. I gained weight, I exercised infrequently and inconsistently, and I lost track of my diet. One of my reactions to stress is to eat: I eat more and I eat unhealthy foods.

And so, I asked my doctor if I could retake the calcium test. The result was disappointing: I have significantly more plaque than I did in my previous test. I wasn’t able to meet with my doctor for a week, and I won’t be able to see a cardiologist for a couple weeks still. In the meantime, all I could do was my own research to try to discern my level of risk. What I found wasn’t comforting. It’s a running joke these days that researching one’s own medical condition is sure to scare you, as you tend to find worst-case scenarios and assume they are at least equally weighted with more favorable outcomes. As far as I could tell, I was either at immediate risk of a deadly heart attack, or had at least truncated my life to where I had only several years left to live.

I spent the next week gripped in fear and sadness. How had this happened? Why hadn’t I gone on a statin earlier? Why hadn’t I protected my health these last few years? Why hadn’t I secured more life insurance? Why hadn’t my doctors advised me better, or tested me more?

The truth is that I was doing the best I could at the time with the tools I had. So, I truly believe, were my doctors, and everyone around me. In other words, relitigating the past wasn’t useful. Instead, I chose to muster my courage and face my fears head on.

The first question I asked myself: how is this situation a gift? I am starting to believe that everything we face in life is a gift from God, and we get to choose whether we honor and accept those gifts by addressing the challenges life gives us, or whether we reject those gifts by blaming others or running away from those challenges.

Not surprisingly, my being needed time to identify the gifts. So I moved on to an easier question: what am I so afraid of? And so I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and started to closely observe the sensations in my body. I could feel the gripping fear in my stomach and torso. And so I asked: what is here? The results surprised me.

I used to fear orphaning you boys, or at least leaving you without a father. I know folks who lost their fathers, and it leaves a lasting wound. I didn’t want that for you. But several month ago, on a turbulent flight without you boys, I faced that fear, and ultimately came to accept that God would decide whether you boys were meant to grow up without me, and that I just needed to trust. In that moment I sensed that “today is not my day”. Ever since, if I find myself fearful of leaving you two without a father, I go back into my faith that God will decide; each time so far I have sensed that “today is not my day”. With practice, I discovered, I no longer hold the fear of orphaning the two of you tightly. To be clear, I have no desire to leave you without a father, but that fear no longer hangs over me, nor negatively affects my decision making, nor paralyzes me when in situations beyond my control (like on a plane flight).

As you know from these writings, I have also harbored in recent weeks a fear of death. And so in my meditative state I explored my fear of death. I found no resonance; exploring death didn’t exacerbate my fear or physical discomfort at all. Turns out I had, as expected, mostly addressed my fear of death, at least insofar as it held me in a constant if unconscious state of dread.

Confused, I asked myself: if I’m not afraid of dying, and not afraid of leaving my boys without a father, then what is this fear which so totally consumes me in this moment. The answers came back immediately: “what am I going to tell my mom (your Gran)?”, and “how is this going to inconvenience (your mom)?” Unbelievably, in the face of my life ending early and dramatically, my chief concern was with how it would impact my two favorite women. There is a longer story behind this fear that I need to save for another day. For the purposes of this story, what matters was the realization that I need to address some fears I have with my mom and your mom. Namely, I need to be willing to be me, fully me, and trust that they will appreciate seeing and knowing me more fully…or that if they don’t, that I can source my love and approval from within myself, and don’t need their love and approval and permission to be me. To be clear: I will always love your mom and I will always love my mom. But I can love them without sourcing my love and approval and sense of wellbeing from them. I had already identified the need to rebalance my relationships with my mom and your mom; what became salient in this moment was the relative urgency: my body wants this to be a top priority.

When I was about 7 years old I played soccer. I was the goalie. Because I was tall, because I have good reflexes, and because I have good hand-eye coordination, I was a good goalie. But I didn’t like playing goalie. I wanted to run around and kick the ball. The goalie was confined to an area, I wanted to roam around freely. I happened to play on a good team, so the ball was generally on the other side of the field; I spent large swaths of the game with nothing to do, and found the whole thing profoundly boring.

I asked my coach to play other positions. I asked my parents to let me quit. My coach didn’t listen. My parents…well, I don’t remember the conversations with any specificity, but the sense I have almost 40 years later was that I got steamrolled.

During one game the other team had a breakaway in the box. This was a classic 1-v-1 breakaway between a striker and goalie. In these situations, the goalie is supposed to run at the striker at full speed, and then slide before the striker attempts to kick the ball and score. The goalie is to take up as much space, and as many scoring angles, as possible. I knew all of this, even then. But instead of doing what I knew to do, I ran at the striker, jumped, and spun in the air, as if I were a complete novice as a goalkeeper. My coach was outraged, and immediately pulled me from the game. My dad was furious, and lectured me the whole way home.

I had mostly forgotten that story until very recently, when it suddenly occurred to me: I didn’t feel heard, and was trying to get people’s attention. I wanted my coach to hear that I didn’t want to play goalie. I wanted my parents to hear that I wanted to quit soccer. I didn’t know how to be heard, and so I did something to get their attention. I think the reason I remembered that story recently was that it resonated, all these years later. I wasn’t feeling heard, I was feeling steamrolled, in most areas of my life. The memory of the soccer story helped me understand that, rather than do something dramatic to get attention (which is fine for a little kid who doesn’t know better), I needed to start intentionally standing up for myself, my needs, and my wants. I can’t, and don’t need to, control what others do. But if I don’t articulate my wants and needs clearly, I don’t give others the chance to hear me. I have work still to do, but I am practicing standing up for myself now.

I mentioned earlier that I was not only scared, but also saddened, by my test result. The sadness was partly just the normal grieving process: the idea of not being able to watch you boys grow up, and not being able to experience all the joy and excitement and sadness and growth that you have ahead of you, just broke my heart. But I was also saddened that my spiritual journey might be ending before it really started. I sense, for the first time in my adult life, that I am finding my path, and that I am finally finding God’s calling for me. And so it brought me great sadness to think that I might not have the opportunity to walk my path. I thought, briefly, that I had found my calling and my path too late, and that I had squandered the opportunity, at least in this life.

Therein lies the gift I mentioned earlier: I had the opportunity to sense the sadness I would feel if my life ended without me finding and walking in my path. And so when I feel tempted to bury my wants and allow myself get steamrolled by others, I can be buttressed by the sense of importance and urgency that I need to live my life, now, in honor of my calling.

I am coming to believe that our physical ailments are manifestations of emotional and spiritual struggles. And so the metaphor of a blocked heart highlights, or underscores, for me the sense that I have lived my adult life for others at the expense of my own wellbeing. I’ll share more in another post. For now the realization is that my heart, my energy center for love and joy and sadness, has been blocked as I suppressed my own wants and needs for those of others.

This chapter of the story ends on a happier note. I met with my doctor on Friday. He believes that I can still live a long and healthy life. We agreed that I should start on medication and that I should see a cardiologist for further testing. But with medication and lifestyle changes he believes I might even be able to improve my blood flow again. And so, all the more reason for me to continue making the lifestyle changes I need for me, to clear my emotional and spiritual blockages, so that I can allow love and joy and blood to flow freely through my heart again.

I love you both. And I let you be the judge of whether I made the lifestyle changes needed to live a long and healthy life, and be there with you as you grow into the gorgeous adults you have capacity to become.

I love you,

Dad

May 10, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

My third vision sprung out of the second, but requires some preface. My coach guides me through what she calls ‘persona work’; this appears to be loosely based on Internal Family Systems (IFS), an approach to psychotherapy developed by Richard Schwartz. IFS posits that an individual is in fact a collection of personas; these personas emerge in order to protect us, especially from painful past experiences. The personas protect us by assuming control of our behavior when we feel threatened, particularly with situations that remind us of the painful experiences from which the personas emerged. At the time of this vision, my coach was mostly helping me identify when these personas had assumed control, so that in awareness I might be more intentional about deciding whether I wanted these personas to assume command. After this vision, I began a practice of engaging with the personas which I found to be deeply healing.

I’ll illustrate the idea of a persona with a specific example. We (my coach and I) named the first persona we identified Sgt Get It Done. My coach observed that I used the phrase “get it done” several times when venting about some particular frustration. With some guidance, she helped me identify that Sgt Get It Done emerged whenever I encountered tasks I found unfulfilling but necessary. His purpose was to get the unpleasant task finished as quickly and efficiently as possible; he did this to free up time and energy for me to do things I would find more fulfilling (namely at that time: investing in relationships, especially in the form of spending more time with your mom). This was relevant because Sgt Get It Done was causing me to pick fights, both at work and with your mom. To take the example with your mom, identifying Sgt Get It Done’s existence helped me create awareness when he had assumed control, which helped me move beyond the superficial motives of the persona (“I just want to get this done”, typically expressed with impatience and frustration), and express myself more wholly (“I really don’t want to do this, but I do understand it needs to be done. But I’m noticing that we haven’t spent enough time together recently. Do you mind if we commit to limiting the amount of time we spend on this activity to an hour, and then can we schedule some time for us later today?”).

I mentioned in my second vision (the first I wrote about, but the second I experienced chronologically) that Jesus shrank and came inside me to help tend my light. After that vision I sensed that I needed to spend more time nurturing my light with Jesus. So the next day I (unknowingly at the time) kicked off a practice that continued regularly for the next year, and which I still practice today.

I visualized myself shrinking and traveling into my torso (my physical body remained current size, while my consciousness travelled internally). There I found Jesus tending my light, just where I had left him in the second vision. We embraced. I observed that my light, which the day before resembled a candle in size, had grown into a campfire. Jesus and I stood in the light and heat of the campfire. Just like a real campfire, this one lit only the immediate surroundings: anything beyond a ~15 foot radius was completely black.

In that moment, my personas began emerging from the shadows, as if drawn by the light of the campfire. It occurs to me now that my limitations as a storyteller prevent me from adequately portraying how surprising this felt at the time: I did not know what would happen while tending my light with Jesus, but I certainly did not expect my personas to appear. But appear they did, one by one. As each emerged, we embraced; I thanked each one of them for their service.

Allow me to introduce the personas briefly (at least as they existed then: I’ve discovered more since):

• Warrior: this was new as of this vision. He serves as my idea of a true leader and warrior. Strong but controlled, capable of aggression but disciplined, willing to stand for himself but noble. He resembles a warrior from a tribal era, standing stall with spear in hand.
• Sgt Get It Done: introduced above.
• Professor: wants to be rational at all times. Wants others to be rational at all times. Emerges when I sense others are being emotional instead of rational, and tends to lecture them for not thinking clearly.
• Codependent: an 8-year old who just wants to help others. He’s terrified of other’s anger (or really, any negative emotions), and works tirelessly to prevent or mollify the anger, fear, and sadness in those he loves. He sacrifices his well-being for the well-being of others, no matter how important his own needs are.
• Snot-Nose: 6-year old me sneezed at lunch during 1st grade. Snot flew out my nose, covering my upper lip. I was sitting at one end of a long, rectangular table, with my classmates at all the other seats at the table. They all said in unison, “EWWWWW!”. I was mortified. This persona represents my fear of rejection, of being shunned by others, of being left behind by the tribe. He does whatever he can to avoid being shunned by the tribe or its elders.
• Leper: fears being ultimately unworthy of love.

I spent extra time with Snot-Nose and the Leper, sensing they needed the most attention that day. I held each, individually, in a lengthy embrace. I then looked each in the eye (getting down on one knee with Snot-Nose) and let them know that they are loved. Because I love them.

We sat around the campfire, together. I came to realize that these personas serve as my personal leadership team (I like to call them my Tribal Council). I came to realize that it was time for me to lead them, not the other way around.

The fire grew. We scooted back. It occurred to me that the fire would need to convert to pure light in order to continue to grow into its full power. I did not know how this would happen, but decided I did not need to know yet.

I embraced Jesus, and departed.

I love you,

Dad

May 4, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Today I want to share my first vision with you.  Warning:  it’s long.  It’s also rather confusing.  This happened about a year and a half ago, which meant that we were still experiencing Covid lockdowns (just to provide some context).

The best way I know to share is as I narrated it to myself, as I captured it at the time.  Because I am still processing and learning from it, I don’t know how to effectively summarize.

Why would I even share this?  I’ve been pondering this.  I come up with a few answers:

1. A vision last week suggested I should.
2. I want you to know me better.
3. This vision is so different from anything I know in today’s culture, and anything I had experienced before, that it seems relevant to share.
4. My sense is that this vision is at least somehow guided by an inner connection to God, or at least an inner source of truth.  I feel compelled to share this.  
5. I suspect almost everyone has an inner voice connected to God or an inner source of truth.  Each voice will sound profoundly different, but I suspect each inner voice exists.  
6. I hope that by sharing my inner voice publicly, I empower others to share theirs.  In truth, I hope to find others with whom this resonates.  
7. I hope that by sharing my inner voice, I empower you to locate and give voice to your own.
8. Sharing makes me feel very exposed, and I feel a need to face that fear.  

Anyway, here goes.  Buckle up.  

**************************************************************************************************************************

I want to heal [your mom].  I want to heal [my friend].  I want to heal the world.

I need to heal ME!

I feel my body healing.  I feel my body align to music in healing.  I sense a light inside me.  I sense the healing power of the light. 

I fuse with [your mom].  I love her beyond depth.  We are healing together.  

I fuse with [my friend].  I go have a beer with him and hold his hands tight.  I love him.  I am sorry for his loss.  I am ready to be friends again.  I love him.  

[Person in the news who was causing me emotional turmoil]: we love you, please step aside.

Mom and Dad: I feel you.  We fuse.  

I levitate and call upon my army.  [!?!?]

I prepare, not for battle per se, but to assume my place, my rightful place as leader. 

I am called! Called to lead.

Sometimes I lead from the front.  Sometimes I support those who wish to lead from the front.  Sometimes I teach.  

When I meet leaders I discover that I am one, too.

Let go!  Let go!

The cracks.  Expand!   [At this point I felt my being expand, cracking with light poring through as my being healed and expanded].

So much love.  So much love.  So much love for her [your mom].

Pain.  So much pain.  Some of it mine.  Some of it [your mom’s].  Some of it my mom’s.  

My voice.  I am finding my voice!  I am finding my gut, my heart, my voice!

I let go of the blockages.  I let go of whatever has come between my energy, my path, my voice, and what needs to be said.

I understand that what I say might not be right.  It might be righteous.  

I am healing.  I am ready to heal.  I am ready to be!  I am ready to release, to let go!  I am ready!

It is time, now, to heal together.  I heal!  I heal.  My broken people heal.  

I feel your pain.  I feel my pain.  I am ready to let go of the pain.  I am ready for you to let go.  I am ready to let go of your pain that I am holding onto.  I am ready to let you find your path.  I am ready to find my path.  I am ready, ready to let the darkness out to make room for the light!  I am ready to let not just my darkness out, but what overlaps between me and others, so that we can carry shared light.  Carry it together.  The light!

We are connected – no matter what we want to think.  No matter what I want to believe.  We are connected.

I am letting go of so much.  I am making room for so much light.

I feel!  I just feel.  
I am!
We are!

We connect.  We are connected, whether we admit it or not.  

The power grows when we make room through release.  It is powerful when I do it alone.  The power expands when we do it together.  

We prepare to fight, not because we want to, but in case we must.  I do not want to.  The fear.  The fear is here.  

Be gone fear.  Let go.  Let it go, to make room for love, for light, for strength.  

Rise.  Release the fear, together.  Release pain – mine, [your mom’s], [my friend’s], my people, my tribe.  We love.  We are not driven by fear.  We release fear.  We face fear.  The fear is here.  But we do not run; we face.  

We feel.  We let the sun rise from within.  We fuse.  Not as family, but as people.  As a tribe.  The tribe of God.  

This is not our tribe.  We connect to other tribes that exist today.  We connect to other tribes, through eternity, now and in past.  Because we connect to one source of light and goodness and strength.  Together.  One voice.  Connecting all the people who find room to channel it, who choose not to block.  To find peace and harmony, to let go, to be what they are supposed to be.  Let the light, the guide, the source, the strength flow through us; and let it heal.  Let us find peace.  Let us find the light within.  

We do heal.  We are health and strength.  We are loved.  We are connected by love.  We let the love, light, strength, the Holy Spirit flow through us.  The one true God that we all see.  That we all know to exist, but cannot prove.  We are all connected to it, through it.  Our arguments, our strife, comes from our own blockages.  Our need to control.  Our unwillingness to face fear.  This is the fear and sadness that block; we can find the love, time, and peace to let go.  We have to let go of the darkness. 

Have strength to face the darkness.  You are not alone.  

I fail when I try to face the darkness alone.  I find strength, we all find strength, I am not alone.  God, love, has me and those I love.  

I facilitate a torrent of strength.  I channel the strength, I channel the light, to face the darkness.  

I see the darkness others see, and darkness that they don’t see.  I see, I feel, darkness rising up.  I feel darkness finding strength, building an army of the unwilling, the sad, the scared.  

Let go of the army.  Let go.  Find he light.  The army has to face fear, has to start with a willingness to feel the fear, the sadness.  It is here.  It is flowing.  We are hurting.  Our family, families, the concentric circles of our beings.  But it is so strong.  We feel when it is in the cosmos; I don’t know how.  When we feel, admit, let go, we know it to be true.  Therein lies the secret. 

Man has so much strength.  Man has so much love.  Man also has so much evil – ugh.  Sometimes the love is so close to the evil.  Sometimes we have to face the love and evil together.  Sometimes you can’t just let go of the evil: we must face it to release it.  

The metaphors of war, of strength and power: I am not familiar with these.  This is part of my warrior toolkit.  It scares others, the strength.  People do not want to see the light because it sits so close to the darkness.  

The strength is seeing the evil at its root.  The strength is meeting the evil where it exists.  The strength is channeling the light and God through the ethos.  We heal this way, and find power, strength, and love.

The cosmos start to whirl inward.  I feel the energy harnessed without fear and darkness inside, and with the sadness, fear, and darkness just outside the light.  I call that power inward.  

Hi Fear.  I face my internal darkness.  I can see the demon at the gates.  The internal demons are harder.  I keep them at bay.  

Strength comes in when those I love feel the power.  Power inspired strength to channel the light.  So much of that fear blocks the light, finds room in the shadows, enables the shadows and darkness to grow.  The light will overcome.  

We struggle, we do not enjoy.  We struggle when the darkness tempts us to avoid because it can sense the strength of the light.  The darkness knows it can’t match the light.  Shadows only grow from fear.  

Fear is okay.  Fear is good.  Fear connects.  Fear grounds.  It is here to channel.  It is a tool.  It is here to let go.  The strength and power that fear weld, the good must find the ability to weld because the darkness is strong, but good is brighter.  

I am afraid it is too much, I am too old, my power is in decline. 

I only see the power of light – I came to the light to see the darkness.  

The prism of light.  I use the lens of the darkness and light together.  There is strength in sitting next to both.  Sitting next to both provides focus.  The tool is weak to start, but we feel it.  We feel it connect.  We know it.  The strength.  The path. 

We turn and face together.  Our first channel together.  We are not weak.  We are strong when we channel the light, the God we do not understand.  It does not matter.  We are meant to know that there is power in this source.  The love, the good, the light, the images, the feeling, words can’t…words fail. I feel, I know, I know I cannot explain.  I will not explain.  I will not be able to prove I know this.  But I feel others; others are ready, and prepared to rise, to shine, to channel, to face the darkness because the path is dark.  We do not know where it leads.  But we trust.  

We do not see because we lost our way. We let our sadness grow.  It overwhelms because we recognize the fear everyday.  We know it.  The fear does not take shape.  It hides as a trick and we fall for it.  

We know you have to start small to spread the light.  Start in the far corners of the universe and let it draw power.  Do not reject the love.  You now accept.  You now hold it.  

I gave some back because I feared I couldn’t channel the light.  I used to be ashamed.  The evil, it just needs light.  

Find the strength.  Find the willingness.  Find the power. 

Draw power from the fear.  Draw power from the love.  Draw power from your family, your loved ones.  Do not feel guilt.  Be willing to draw the love; you have allowed fear to block it.  Today I choose to draw strength from those I love.  

I draw strength.  It is not bad!  Drawing strength in service of light.  Now is the time for all sources of light, even the ones you want to stay blocked.  Now is the time to let the darkness to recede because of the light.  

Now is the time.

Peace, joy, harmony.  

The strength sits at the table.  It is an elder with a voice.  The voice must be heard.  

You have always known the voice will flow.  I try to control it.  Allow it to flow.

The warrior must remember reverence with the darkness; it honors it so that the light will grow.  

We share the fire together.  The fire is the source of light.  The fire and the light are here to provide lightness so that others can see.  Let us see.  

Allow the warrior to back away.  Thank him for his service.  Acknowledge your fear of the warrior to enable darkness.  Face the fear:  your warrior, when unleashed, will not be out of control.  We can channel and harness the light.  

We are not all warriors, but I am.  

I accept that I am a warrior.  I accept the responsibility of being a warrior. I will no longer avoid that power out of fear!

The first fear is of the light.  The second fear is of the light growing out of control, burning everything down.  

Remember the light needs focus, needs to nurture, to grow.  

Most warriors cannot see, but I can.  

I embrace my path has been small as a warrior and a seer.  It is time to own it.  

People understand I shine a light as a seer and a warrior.  

My light shines the brightest.  

My light gets lost because I lost my way. 

Today, I declare no more!  That I will approach the path – I embrace my future.  As a warrior, as a seer – both!  The light is not revealed to me yet, it is coming.  

I must know that I am loved.  I am love.  To feel love I must trust the power of love.  The light, vision, and clarity of my path will be revealed.  

My path is being revealed.  

My parents will learn to know not to protect and shelter me.  Let me go, to accept me as I accept myself. 

I will lead a huge victory.  

I am one of an army of warriors.  All willing to trust, to love, and connect with the love.  Embrace joy and creativity that wants to flow.  When we flow, the light gets brighter.  You can rest, you have fought.  

They are waiting for me; they are grateful.  

I have avoided the paths to the greater good.  Enabling my role, my internal power, so that I can sit at the throne.  

My path is right by my, waiting for me. 

You are asking me to take the path of least resistance.  I do not need to know today.  I can put down the armor.  I can understand and accept.  The armor was heavy.  Oh my goodness, I feel lighter!  

Focus on the joy; I choose to let go of the shame.  I will embrace the love, light, and power. 

Your role is to see far.  To find a path from today and the vision – to the light.  

I accept my role is larger than my fear wants to allow.  

I accept that I must not fear.  Draw on my inner strength.  The strength is light, fire, and focused.  

I am drawing strength from source.  It is not selfish.  It flows through me and into the universe.  I must embrace my role in the universe.  I must allow the energy to flow through me.  

It is my calling to allow the light to flow through me.  

The more the warrior can embrace, the more it can let go, the more the Self, the light can be seen.  

Light is there.  It guides us all.  Trust it.  

On the path, I can trust the Source, drink from it, embrace it.

The light allows me to accept those I love will find it on their own.  I just need to be with me, first.  

I resist because I had long paths, but as a warrior I also know that I can let go.  When I must, I can return to the light.  I know the light is always there.  

I do not need to travel to find the light.  So many paths.  So many.  I find strength and faith that my path is clear, the aspects of the path that I need to see today; that my future strength and source have the guardrails to guide.  This time embraced by me.  I choose to put my ego aside.  It was me who wanted to control the fire and light.  I let go. 

My gift is seeing.  Honor that.  

I fit in the whole!  It is my place.  

I am not meant to ignore the love I have inside, to fear my own light. 

The shortest path of the warrior is seeing my own light.

My path begins be seeing my own light.

When I see my light it connects the now and the vision I see.  I must trust my light.  Accept all of the love that builds and channels us.  We are all connected.  

My path requires faith in myself, in God, in others, but first myself.  
The shortest path allows me to travel without the armor.  It is the path I yearn for.

I see myself wanting to guide those I love.  I see myself loving and trusting where they are.  Either the longer or the shorter path – knowing they do not need me to shine a path because I have already shone.  I need to stay on my path.  I can feel warmth and light to see my own path.  

Because I love, I accept my love and allow my love to move.  My love moves through me.  

I accept that all the paths are not perfect.  

I do not fear.  I do not control.  I do not need to control the path of my future self.  I can let my power, power of those I love, power of the universe flow so I can navigate.

They (the paths) are for me, by me, of me – there is no difference.  I choose the shortcuts.  I control my willingness to expand and accelerate.

It is all meant to be for me, for [your mom], [my friend], her mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my sister’s family, my kids.  

I do not worry about them today.  I have carved many paths.  I will witness them navigating their paths, their struggle.  I will see that they don’t see their light.  They will struggle on their paths.  That’s okay.  They will be okay.  

I must accept and see the light in me. 

You are saying to the inner most part of you that you are prepared and are on the perfect path.  The beauty of our life is that we/I get to choose what path we are on.  Understanding that there are responsibilities to the warrior king, to be inward.  Will will make mistakes; that is okay. 

You can trust yourself most of all to let go.  Trust yourself.  You are perfect, and on the perfect path.  

My boys will take their paths.  It is my job to put up some rails to hold the path – but it is their path.  Watch them.  They are on their own paths.  

My people, my people – by letting go of them, I grow my love inward.  Through me they feel more love.  Because my flame is bigger.  I supported them and they supported me and we trusted each other.  

I love me.  We all love.  We all love!  We all accept.  We all know.  

I love me.

This is the end of my journey.  Where I can turn back, that I can trust I can return later.  The path may not look the same when I return.  I do not need to worry; the path will be lit.  Because I trust me, I trust them.  I love me, I love them.  Because we are all love.  

I heal other people by healing me. 

I really love [your mom] and I know she really loves me.  We are going to practice, accept our journey together, support each other, love each other.  Our journey needs intention and a little repair.  We are beautiful together.  

My journey is not as a man, or father, but as a warrior.  I have all the tools I need to have.

Today’s journey was about there is a path.  The path is inward to me, yet then also outward.  

It all comes back to love and trust!  We have to keep navigating the external, but most importantly the internal, with love and trust. 

[My friend] needs to love himself.  We are going to grow together and separate.  

I have always struggled to pray for people that struggle.  God be there for [my friend] and his family.  

I connect with the concentric circles of the world.  My family, my friends, my acquaintances, and the entire world.  We are physically distant, but connected.  We can reach each other at any time.  

I love connecting the physical and spiritual ways.  I believe I can use my unique voice in the world to connect.  

**************************************************************************************************************************

That was a lot, but I want to share a few thoughts, observations, and interpretations.  

When rereading my notes for the first time (the day after the vision), I was horrified by the warrior language.  I don’t identify as a warrior; I cannot remember that I ever have.  I was uncomfortable at the thought of embracing a warrior persona.  I was also uncomfortable discussing power and strength.  One interpretation of this journey is that I rediscovered my masculinity, though I’ll admit I’m still processing what the warrior language means.  I’m not finding resonance around the idea of fighting, of war, of battle.  What does resonate is leadership, strength, internal resolve, setting boundaries, bravery in the face of fear, and standing firm in what I know even when surrounded by others in fear.  

I was also horrified with my language regarding light and dark.  I typically don’t think in terms of Good vs Evil, and found the Light vs Darkness framing as uncomfortably close.  I’m still, a year and a half later, processing what this meant.  My current interpretation is that 1) the light is God (and the God within me/us), and our willingness to let God flow through us; 2) Darkness is what happens when we turn away from God, creating blockages from fear that cast shadows (not only on us, but also on those around us); 3) fear is not the same as darkness. I sense I mixed the terms at the time.  My current sense is that we all feel fear: for those willing to let God’s energy flow, the fear provides fuel, or the spark of creative energy; for those not willing to let God’s energy flow, we run away from fear, blocking God’s energy, creating darkness and shadows.  

The verbiage about the warrior leading is interesting.  I’ve always read it literally: that I am meant to lead others.  Reading it now today, it’s entirely possible that it really just meant that I am meant to lead my internal being, and the various personas therein.  

Prior to this vision, I didn’t necessarily think that I needed to heal.  Afterward I recognized the truth, and have spent the time since more focused on spiritual and emotional healing (and more recently, physical healing).  

I was struck with the notion that I could feel others’ pain.  This thought hadn’t occurred to me before, but I’ve noticed it regularly since.  Everett, given your tremendous empathy and emotional resonance, I encourage you to be aware of when you are feeling your own emotions vs the emotions of others (even at 5, I see you reverberate the emotions of others regularly).  

Prior to this vision, I was not aware of how much energy I was spending attempting to control the actions of others.  

Prior to this vision, I did not generally talk about “light”, “source”, or “God” much.  I didn’t feel much of a connection to any of the above.  I certainly didn’t sense that we are all connected.  Since, I’ve felt a deepening connection to all, and am finding my willingness to talk about them.

Let’s just say that the vision laid out a much more ambitious path than I had for myself at the time.  

Perhaps foretold by the vision: my sense is that I am nearing the end of my journey inward, and about to begin my journey outward again.  

Okay, I will stop there for today.  

I love you,

Dad

May 3, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

I attended worship services the last two weeks. I grew up in the church, and continued my involvement into my early 30s. While I’ve continued to identify as Christian, I hadn’t been to church in over a decade. But I sense that the purely inward portion of my healing journey is nearing an end, and that I am now to begin my journey back out into the world. Going to church felt like part of that journey back out. I’m not clear whether I am looking for a support network, or perhaps folks who will join me on parts of my journey; perhaps those ideas are basically one and the same.

At last week’s worship service, we sang my favorite hymn. The scripture reading was one I memorized as a child. The sermon resonated, giving a sense (or reminder) that others are in fact on a journey similar to mine. The members of the congregation were earnest and welcoming without being suffocating; of all the churches I have attended as an adult, this congregation was the most inviting and welcoming. I felt connected: to myself, to those around me, to a higher calling.

After the worship service, a man introduced himself and struck up a conversation. Somehow, through the course of our conversation, he revealed that he has, at times, seen visions when he prays; he is my first encounter to acknowledge visions and talk about them openly. From my own visions, I sensed that there were others, and I sensed that I was meant to find them (at least some of them).

Put all together, I left worship that day with a profound sense that I went where I was meant to go, that God had somehow called me to be there on that day.

The sermons, each of the last two weeks, challenged the congregation to look inward, to identify honestly where we are blocked from seeing God or hearing God’s call, and to nudge us back onto our path with God. And yet, in the middle of each, the minister took a brief detour to identify some outrage out in the world, commonly reported in the news. As far as I could tell, he was encouraging the congregation to be aggravated or even outraged with the injustices he identified, and implied that we would be solving these injustices if we were really heeding God’s call. Unlike the bulk of the sermons, which resonated with their call to inward exploration, these detours encouraging judgement and righteousness fell flat. As I discussed previously, I do not believe we find goodness and truth in righteousness.

With reflection I found a useful metaphor: binoculars and mirrors. We use a mirror to examine ourselves. A mirror empowers us to see those things about ourselves that we otherwise wouldn’t due to our vantage point. How else will I see the stain on my face, if not for a mirror? A mirror helps us identify those things about ourselves calling for examination, for introspection, for healing, and for growth.

Binoculars, on the other hand, we use to look outward, and typically far off in the distance. Binoculars help us identify far off details otherwise unavailable to us. Binoculars encourage us to look for things only binoculars can help us find. When we pick up binoculars, we go looking for things they can help us see more clearly.

I am starting to view binoculars as the great distraction of the current era. We’ve always had negative headlines in the news; the differences are that now we 1) have virtually unlimited access to said negative headlines via the internet, and 2) local new sources almost always sprinkled in positive stories, in a conscious attempt to balance out the negativity and give their audience hope. We naturally gravitate toward negative headlines (thus why they have always dominated the news), and so in a world of unlimited choice we are digesting far more negativity, and far less positivity than we would otherwise.

Similarly, we’ve always had social networks, and at times those social networks devolved into gossip or other disempowering behavior. But while analogue social networks have counterbalancing forces (overly negative people are often encouraged to temper their negativity), online social media networks do not (yet, anyway) employ similar counterbalances. As a result, we are drowning in negativity and gossip, when really we are going to social media out of a desire to feel connected, hopeful, and whole.

Point being: most adults today spend too much time using binoculars, looking for details in the far off distance, stirring themselves and others into a state of righteousness over the imperfections we see from afar (those MAGA Republicans! Those Social Justice Warriors! Russia! China! Racism! The Elites! Aargh!). Today’s world of the internet provides far more opportunity and temptation for us to utilize the binoculars than ever before. And so we succumb to the temptation and spend our lives looking through binoculars, only vaguely aware that life continues around us in our immediate vicinity.

I am practicing putting down the binoculars and picking up the mirror. I am coming to learn that the binoculars are not an effective tool for solving problems: we are too far removed to impact what we see in any meaningful way, and so only work ourselves into a state of powerless, righteous indignation. Conversely, we possess all the tools we need to improve what we see in the mirror. The binoculars are more tempting, but it is via the mirror that God invites us to change the world. Doing the work we see laid before us in the mirror is uncomfortable and tedious, but it heals. We heal ourselves, and by healing ourselves we allow and encourage those around us to heal.

To be clear, the binoculars do have their use. What we see in the binoculars can stir deep, real emotion; as such, they can serve as a useful diagnostic tool. But diagnosis is where the purpose of the binoculars ends. In order to resolve the issues we identified using the binoculars, we must return to the mirror. In the mirror we find what stirred within us when we looked through the binoculars. The mirror helps us identify the emotion that needs to be heard, be processed, be addressed, so that we may heal.

In today’s world, we have no shortage of opportunities to use the binoculars. So while binoculars can be useful, we will continue to overuse them unless we completely separate from the modern world and retreat into a mountain monastery. And so I am practicing putting down the binoculars as often as I become aware that I am using them, or at least as often as I can. And whenever I find the patience and strength, I pick up the mirror, dust it off, and go back to work on the reflection I see before me. Working on what I see in the mirror is deeply humbling, but it heals; it yields a quiet strength I have never known.

I am coming to believe that, in order to heal the world, we must first heal ourselves. What I am curious to discover: do we ever move beyond working to heal ourselves? One possibility I can envision is that we take our healed bodies and souls out into the world, sharing the gifts of what we’ve learned with those we encounter. The other possibility is that we go out into the world in order to identify more work to do in the mirror. My sense is that a healed being encourages and empowers those who encounter it to heal, and so by healing we can set off a chain reaction of healing. I am very curious to discover the mechanisms by which that healing occurs.

I did reach out to the minister to give my feedback and impression, in the spirit of curiosity. Perhaps I misheard the minister, or misinterpreted his meaning; if so, I hope that by following up I grant myself the opportunity to look in the mirror and learn, heal, and grow. Or perhaps I identified a blind spot of the minister’s; if so, I hope that by following up I grant him an opportunity to look in the mirror and learn, heal, and grow. We shall see.

I love you,

Dad

April 25, 2023

About a year and a half ago, I started having visions. I’m not entirely clear how or why, but what started as meditative visualizations eventually turned interactive. I continue to be an active participant, at times dictating the actions in my meditations. But in much the way our dreams come to us without our purposeful intention, so have some of my meditations come to me.

I’ve been reluctant to write about (or talk about, for that matter) my visions, for fear that people would think I’m crazy. In this era that considers itself hyper-rational, my visions are anything but. As is common with fear, this one is more general than specific; I’m not exactly sure who I’m afraid will shun me, just that somehow everyone will think I’m crazy. But (and we’ll come back to this), my meditations have recently revealed that I should be writing about them…so we’ll start today, with one of my earliest visions, because it’s relevant to my life today.

The vision started with me moving away from fear. Fear was following me, driving me, pushing me down a path. The path, interestingly, was backward relative to how my body was positioned physically at the time; my physical body was pointed in one direction, but in my vision I was walking in exactly the other direction. What occurred to me is that when we are motivated by fear, we move away from what we don’t want instead of toward what we want. As I walked down the path, the path got imperceptibly narrower. What occurred to me is that when we are motivated by fear, we must continually shrink to fit on the path. Obviously we don’t shrink physically, but we do metaphorically and metaphysically; our souls shrink, if you will.

After realizing that I was getting smaller and smaller, I decided to turn around. I felt relief as the space opened up and the path got larger again (the narrowing path felt constricting, as does living in fear). Feeling the relief, I paused to collect myself and take inventory. I sensed that I do not need to do, I just need to be. I sensed an internal light, weak but growing, and that pausing would enable the light to grow, and that my light would guide me when it was time to take action.

Then Jesus appeared. It occurred to me that Jesus is the purest form of Love that I know, given my life and experiences. I became overwhelmed with shame, and I wept uncontrollably (both in my physical body as well as in my vision). Jesus’ presence exposed in sharp relief just how small I had become. I felt shame, guilt, and sadness with how far I had wandered from my path and purpose. I begged forgiveness.

Jesus didn’t speak. He didn’t need to: his messages radiated from him to me. He conveyed forgiveness (with a sense of obviousness: “of course you are forgiven”). He emanated peace and calm. More than anything, he conveyed an enveloping love and empathy. After a few minutes of processing my shame and guilt, and then releasing them (partly thanks to Jesus’ blessing), I spent several minutes just processing a profound sadness that I hadn’t been walking my path. I sensed years of missed opportunities.

After several minutes of weeping, I finally achieved a deep sense of peace, calm, and gratitude. In retrospect, I felt cleansed. At this point, I invited Jesus inside me. Jesus shrank and travelled into my torso; I imagined him sitting with my light, helping me tend to it, helping it grow. After a period of time (this felt like a fast-forward of sorts; as if the nurturing of my light would take some time), I started on my path with Jesus and my light (this time facing in the same direction as my physical body).

I looked ahead and saw a faint outline of a destination. I had already established in an earlier vision that one of my gifts (and maybe my true Gift) is as a Seer: I see things far off in the distance, before others. And so it made sense that I saw a destination far off in the distance. The destination wasn’t particularly clear, in fact it was decently fuzzy. But I knew it was my destination, and in fact I sensed it was a destination others (maybe even most others) will want to pursue with me, but that I would need to start the journey alone. I couldn’t see the path at all, only the destination. So I took a step in the direction of the destination…

…and I plunged into darkness. After one step, I was in complete darkness. I couldn’t see anything. I stopped, collecting myself. After a few minutes, my eyes adjusted (and my inner light began lighting the area around me, albeit only slightly). Imagine a candle lit in a cavernous room: I could see a step in front of me, but the room became much darker just a few feet away, and after a few feet the world was completely dark again.

Then a demon emerged. It was small, perhaps around 2 feet tall. It was grotesque, alive but a faceless blob. The demon scared me, and tempted me to turn around and run away. In that moment I realized that the demon was my fear. So instead of turning and running (like I had at the beginning of the vision), I picked up the demon. I placed it inside my torso, and enveloped it in love. Holding the fear was uncomfortable, but I sat with the discomfort. After what felt like several minutes, I learned what the fear was supposed to teach me (metaphorically: no actual lesson emerged then), and then it dissolved. The demon was gone, I no longer felt fear, and I felt peace and calm again.

Several other demons emerged, from all sides in front of me; this time larger (but still small, say 4-5 feet tall), with faces. Several approached me, while others remaining further off in the distance, in the shadows at the edge of the light (the light had grown in strength; I could now see a dozen or two feet away). I learned that these were not demons, but in fact people gripped by fear. Fear had turned these people into demons (almost certainly like I had been at the beginning of my vision). I then learned that the demons who approached me were in fact drawn by my light. My light pulled them in despite their being otherwise gripped in fear. After a few moments basking in my light, these demons morphed into people.

The demons off in the shadows remained in the shadows. It occurred to me that they were not ready to encounter the light. I became aware of the possibility that they might not ever be ready, and that I needed to be at peace with their decisions. My job was to bring the light into the world, let others decide whether to receive it or not, and be at peace with all of it. I didn’t need to understand why (e.g. why was it not my responsibility to ‘help’ those demons off in the shadows? I have codependent tendencies, so it was uncomfortable to sense I had something of value, but couldn’t offer it to everyone).

I resumed my journey toward my fuzzy destination. While I still could not see the whole path, I could see the path directly ahead, and sensed that more of the path would illuminate as my light continued to grow. It occurred to me I would call on others to join me to illuminate parts of the path I could not see alone. I sensed that the challenges would grow, but that by following my light that I would be prepared to face them.

Finally, after awhile on this journey, I discovered that my ego had come along with me, and unbeknownst to me had become huge. I was horrified: after receiving so much love and peace and grace, how could I allow my ego to grow out of control? I panicked, wanting to go back to the beginning of my journey and start over, so that I could proceed on the journey without my ego. I sensed that my ego had led me off my path; I was still headed generally toward my destination, but had stopped following the path laid out for me. I felt overwhelmed at my failure. Ultimately I accepted that I am human and therefore fallible, so I will make mistakes; but now I can trust in my learning and my light to help me find my way back to my path when I get lost.

I said earlier that this particular vision was timely. What I have since come to understand is that quitting my job was the plunge into darkness, and that the fear of death (which I’ve discussed in prior letters) is the first demon to appear after my eyes adjusted to the darkness. (The destination is too fuzzy to explain today; I anticipate sharing more later).

Because I understood that the fear of death was the first demon from my vision, I understood what I needed to do (envelop it in love). For whatever reason, I couldn’t do that for many days (weeks?). I was gripped with fear. I don’t exactly know why, but I was.

On three consecutive nights last week I woke up in the middle of the night with discomfort in my stomach. (I believe this is related to the recurring heartburn I mentioned previously; it’s improving but not fully healed). On the third night, I decided to engage with my discomfort and fear. I sat with the discomfort, and explored it deeply. Instead of vague sensations, I started to notice the sensations specifically. I attempted locating the sensations as accurately as I could in the body, and being as precise in my observation of the sensations as I could. I noticed that by replacing my reflexive and instinctive fear of the discomfort with curiosity, the pain subsided dramatically. What I was feeling was not particularly painful, just deeply uncomfortable. The ‘pain’ was more an artifact of fear than any real physical sensation.

After a long while, the idea came to me that I need to write about my visions (thus this post); I needed to more fully embrace and reveal this aspect of myself. I can’t exactly explain why, though I suspect it will enable my light to grow, thus illuminating the path ahead, and attracting those who want to experience the light (per the vision). Said more simply, I assume it’s my body and spirit calling me to be more fully who I am, and who I am meant to be.

After sensing that I processed the learning that I needed to write about my visions, I asked my discomfort if there was anything else. The idea came to me that I am not meant to kill my ego. My original interpretation (based more on rational examination than true inward exploration) of my fear of death was that my ego was the entity who was afraid that I was going to kill it. Indeed, perhaps subconsciously remembering my vision, I assumed that I was meant to kill my ego now, in order to avoid it growing out of control later (e.g. attempting to apply what I learned from the vision, avoiding the need for the ‘do-over’ I so desperately wanted at the end of the vision).

Next I imagined my ego sitting down with my True Self, the self connected to the Divine. My True Self welcomed the ego, explained that he was welcome, but that the True Self was in charge. The ego challenged the True Self, “who put you in charge?”. The True Self merely responded, “I am in charge”. The words weren’t compelling or convincing, but the ego recognized the True Self’s authority of presence and submitted.

After reconciling with my ego, I asked my body again if there was anything else. Up until that moment, I had been sitting in substantial discomfort for about two hours. In that moment, the discomfort continued for several seconds as I sat with it. And then, it moved, and then it dissolved. I felt more peace and calm than I had in weeks, and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I am not yet sure whether I have learned all that I am meant to from the discomfort, but the recent signs are positive. I’m very curious to experience what happens next: if my vision continues to serve as a form of prophesy, next I will be engaged by demons who are really just seeking the light; and from there I will start building a community interested in my destination. I do not look forward to discovering my ego has grown huge; fortunately I sense that time is a ways (perhaps even years) off.

I don’t know what I expect you to gain from this letter. I do hope it helps you to know me better. Mostly, I am just trying to honor my vision, which really means that I am just trying to be true to myself. I guess if there is any lesson I want you to learn, it is that I hope you too learn how to be true to yourselves (and that you understand that it’s never too late to begin your journey on your own path).

I love you,

Dad

April 21, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Last week was your spring break; we went to Washington D.C. to see the sights and to visit my aunt and uncle. We went to the Air and Space Museum (the one in Virginia near the airport, not the one on the Mall, which was under renovation), the Natural History Museum, the White House, all the monuments, the National Archives, and the zoo. I’ll be very curious to see how you remember the trip as adults. For your mom and I, this trip was pretty special.

Truth be told, your mom and I always enjoy vacations. Something about being at home serves as a constant reminder of all the things you need to do, all the errands you need to run, etc. Somehow leaving the house for a few days removes the temptation to get distracted, and facilitates presence. Your mom and I both found the trip relaxing, but also centering, as we left our stresses behind for a week.

Travel also encourages the “beginner’s mind”. When we experience something for the first time, we do so without judgment or expectations. We are curious, exploring the new place or activity, seeking discovery and play. In the current period marked by overstimulation and overwhelm, periods of beginner’s mind serve as periods of presence, of reset, of recovery.

I am often tempted to assume that moving to the place of my vacation will enable me to sustain the sense of presence that I experience on vacation. But the beginner’s mind helps us understand why this idea is folly: almost as soon as I move to a new place, it will cease to be new. I will cease to experience it playfully, and will look to settle into a routine; the newness will wear off.

To be clear, newness wearing off is not a bad thing, though it often seems like it. On most topics, when we move past the beginner’s mind we enter into a period of frustration: the excitement of newness has worn off, but we are bad at the new thing! Keeping with our travel/moving metaphor: when we move to a new city, we don’t know our way around. We don’t know the people, we don’t know the culture. We don’t know where to find anything. Once the excitement wears off (usually after a few days or weeks), the daunting challenge of learning the new city without getting overwhelmed sets in.

Fortunately, for most topics, we improve pretty quickly, and develop a sense of momentum and progress that sustains us in our more difficult periods. Continuing with the moving metaphor: eventually we start to feel settled. We make new friends, find the stores and restaurants that we like, figure out how to get around efficiently, and develop our daily routines. From here, our learning slows down dramatically, with both positive and negative effects: on the one hand, we feel safe, secure, and confident for the first time since we moved; on the other hand, we no longer feel the joy of newness, of learning, of growth. To be clear, our growth continues in the new city, but the pace is sufficiently slow as to be imperceptible and therefore unrewarding. And thus, we need to travel, to purposely explore again, in order to regain that sense of excitement, opportunity, and potential for growth.

I’ve kept to a traveling/moving metaphor, but the phases I’ve outlined apply to almost any aspect of life: making friends, learning new subjects in school, or starting new jobs, new companies, or new hobbies. In everything we do we cycle from the beginner’s mind to a stage of frustration but rapid learning to a stage of comfort and confidence but slow growth.

Of course, we don’t always complete all the phases. Sometimes we quit, and that’s okay too! Traveling on vacation is almost a preplanned form of quitting: we go to a new place long enough to immerse ourselves in the beginner’s mind, and then we leave before the frustration sets in. On other topics (perhaps that subject we don’t like at school, or that hobby that we just sorta drifted away from) we realize that the satisfaction of growth doesn’t offset the frustration of the struggle. Only on the rarest of topics are we content to keep struggling for growth after we stagnate; these are the areas where you can achieve mastery. I suspect some folks never truly master any subject. Age, wisdom, and perspective help, but ultimately mastery requires shifting your motivation from extrinsic rewards (typically money, status, or baubles of various sorts) to intrinsic reward (appreciating the struggle for the sake of the struggle, learning patience, cultivating curiosity in the face of familiarity, or pursuing the enormous satisfaction of achieving noticeable progress after a period of stagnation).

It might be worth taking stock in your life: of the areas where you allocate time (work, hobbies, relationships, or other free time), where are you a beginner, vs growing, vs achieving mastery? You will probably notice that most of your time is spent in areas of growth. I encourage you to think about where in your life you might want to achieve mastery. But I also encourage you to think about how you can continue to cultivate beginner’s mind in your life. As mentioned, for your mom and I this is primarily travel. But it can also include trying a new restaurant, visiting a new part of town or a new hiking trail, picking up a new hobby, joining a new club, or even making a new friend. What I’ve noticed is that experiencing the beginner’s mind in one area of your life helps you bring the sense of curiosity, wonder, and opportunity back into areas of your life that might otherwise feel stagnant. On the other hand, experiencing the beginner’s mind can also bring clarity into the areas of your life where you feel sufficiently stagnant that it’s time to make a change.

I often employ “the vacation test” to my life: if I am happy to return home after a vacation, it means that my life is pretty good. If I deeply resent ending my vacation and returning to my daily life, it means that I need to make changes. Fortunately, as much as I enjoyed D.C., spending extra time with you and your mom, and catching up with my aunt and uncle, I was ready to come home from this trip. That means we’re doing something right.

I love you,

Dad

February 4, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Men are the more disposable sex. The potential future growth (or decline) of a population is pretty directly linked with the number of females; technically, men can have virtually unlimited babies, whereas women can have relatively few. As a result, men have typically been assigned the more dangerous roles in society, as society can more readily afford to lose men during a dangerous hunt or in battle. Even today, jobs with high mortality rates are dominated by men.

To offset what so far seems like a raw deal for men, societies have historically sweetened the deal by giving them relatively higher status and prestige. This is not to say that all men have had higher status than all women, but that men have tended to hold the highest status positions in societies across cultures and eras. The rewards have not been distributed equally: the highest status men tended to draw a disproportionate amount of status, whether that be in the form of riches, titles, sexual partners, or whatever other forms of status matter to a given society and time period. The disproportionate rewards have a counterintuitive impact: they disproportionally motivate lower status males to achieve higher status. Even today we see the lottery draw more participants than it should based on the expected value of winning, as well as middle managers (or aspiring middle manager) overestimating their odds of becoming fabulous wealthy via becoming executives in their companies (and thus working harder than they otherwise would if they knew their real earning potential). Indeed, excessive CEO compensation appears to primarily serve as a social hack to motivate everyone else in the company.

So to summarize: men (and particularly high status men) have historically reaped disproportionate rewards in exchange for taking on the dangerous roles in society and being treated as genetically expendable. In modern times, however, the relationship between status and danger has broken down. CEOs (to take just one example) have hard jobs to be sure, but they are not particularly dangerous jobs. CEOs don’t get killed in combat, and generally don’t die hunting large wild game. And yet we reward CEOs (the same could be said for plenty of other roles in society) as if the old social contract were in place.

Women are rightly challenging the traditional distribution of spoils, particularly the disproportionate flow of spoils to men. If high status jobs are no longer particularly dangerous, why should they be dominated by men? And why should men get the lion’s share of the spoils? While American men still dominate the highest status roles in society, women are ascending in increasing numbers. Overall, this seems like a very good thing. Contrasting with history, where women’s primary avenue to status was via marriage, the current arrangement seems far fairer for women.

And yet men are struggling to adjust. Men are used to serving as provider and protector within the family. As women begin to share those roles, men are struggling to identify where they contribute. Many women want men to play a larger part in the traditionally female-dominated roles within a family (say, child rearing or homemaking); not all men find such work fulfilling. Everyone wants a role where they are able to make unique contributions. Men are increasingly struggling to identify theirs.

Some men appear to be giving up. Women outnumber men in college by about 50%. There are about 7 million men (or about 10%) aged 25-54 who are neither working nor looking for work. These men, on average, are not homemakers: they spend less time child-rearing and homemaking than their working male counterparts, but they do spend 7 hours a day on leisure activities like watching TV and playing games.

Our current cultural preferences elevate feminine traits and denounce masculine traits. Feminine traits like generosity, collaboration, and nurturing are held in high regard, while masculine traits like strength, assertiveness, and competitiveness are treated more like problems to be addressed (or at the very least concerns to be monitored). And then, while we increasingly stamp the masculinity out of men, we are seeing women increasingly exhibit masculine behavior. While women should have every opportunity to become their best selves, I can’t help but wonder if women are bringing masculine energy out of a desire to see it displayed. I also wonder if the explosion of women transitioning to become men is somehow related to the lack of masculinity in our society, in an unknowing effort to rebalance the scales.

I don’t think the current balance between masculine and feminine energy is sustainable. I’ve seen a suggestion that we are practically inviting fascism (a particularly masculine form of government) to rebalance the cosmic energy. I’m not sure I agree, though I do wonder if we’re inviting war with a more masculine society (like, say, China) to elicit our own masculinity again. I do think we need to enable men to spend more time outside, being active, spending time with other men. Our current culture is very classroom and office dominated: we don’t spend enough time outside, moving around, building strength, working together to challenge and test nature. All of these activities will be critical for helping men rediscover themselves.

What does this all mean for the two of you? Well, for one thing, it means you are growing up in a world confused with its relationship to masculinity. My guess is that, with some searching, you’ll be able to identify how that confusion impacted your childhoods, thereby impacting your approach to life in adulthood. And while my goal is certainly to help you navigate your own healthy relationship to your masculinity, the truth is that I’m rediscovering my own.

One thing I can do is point out what’s inherent to each of you. Leland, your dominant traits are more typically masculine: you are hyper-logical, focused, clear, and assertive. Everett, you like me are more balanced between your masculine and feminine traits. You are emotional, caring, collaborative, and expressive. These differences are neither good nor bad: they just are, and it’s important to be aware of your natural tendencies as you evolve in adulthood.

I can also encourage you not to allow yourselves to get buried in desk or office work. Make time for outside play, ideally with other men. Work on projects you enjoy with people you enjoy. Stay fit, and continue to challenges yourselves athletically. Pursue careers where you can be wholly you, flaws and all.

We’re not nearly done evolving our social contract between men and women. For the last several decades, the evolution has primarily focused on bringing fairness to women. I anticipate the next phase will focus on bringing masculinity back to men. As the father of two beautiful boys, I dearly hope so.

I love you,

Eric

March 28, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

I keep imagining that I will start writing these letters from a position of strength, of confidence, of knowing what I want to say and how. Instead, I find that I keep getting pulled back into vulnerability, confusion, and discomfort. Early in this writing process (I think it was the second letter), I decided to lean into the discomfort whenever I encountered it; on some level I understood that the discomfort represented something to explore and express. I very much need practice experiencing discomfort, so these letters give me said practice. And the discomfort, I am starting to believe, is where truth and beauty and art reside.

So today I am sitting down to write, for the first time, without a plan. I didn’t even plan to write today. I arrived at the gym when I suddenly felt a desire to write; I left without working out. So now here I am, writing for the first time in a couple weeks, after several weeks of daily practice.

Why the gap in letters? Oh, that’s a bit of a tale. First, the power went out. We had a storm with terrible winds; countless branches and trees were knocked over. We’ve seen demolished fences, damaged roofs, enormous branches broken off trees, and even countless whole trees toppled over. Beautiful, large, otherwise healthy trees uprooted by the dozens. We’re seeing these trees cut up and left by the side of the road for pickup: the tree rings are beautiful, supple, and vibrant; I somehow find it both heartbreaking and invigorating that these trees fell over.

Unsurprisingly, all those fallen trees and branches created countless power outages. Our power company, to their great credit, worked overtime to get power restored, but there were so many power outages. Our power was out for about two and a half days.

Your mom and I hated the power outages. We stressed out over the impact it was having on us, and were particularly angry about the fact that our solar panels weren’t working as advertised (they weren’t powering our home in the days after the outage, despite ample sunny weather, due to a technical malfunction). The two of you reminded me daily what was important. While you were certainly disappointed that you weren’t able to do certain favored activities (like watching an occasional video before bedtime), overall you enjoyed the experience. You enjoyed doing puzzles with your mom by flashlight at dusk. You squealed with delight when your mom rinsed you off in the shower with cold water. You cheerfully went to bed when the sun went down, despite it being earlier than your normal bedtimes. Overall you treated the inconvenience as an adventure, and reminded me (as you often do) what really matters.

I could have found a coffee shop, or some other location with power, in order to write during those days. Instead, I made an observation: I was feeling pressure to write daily, to exercise daily, to keep my daily routine. I realized that in some ways I was just repurposing job pressure into my new job, which I defined as self care in the form of a daily exercise, meditation, and writing routing. I still aspire to exercise, meditate, and write as often as possible, but I also needed to let go of the pressure and anxiety to complete daily tasks and achieve some imaginary threshold of targeted daily “productivity”. And so, I took those days off.

After the power came back, I found my energy drawing me toward my ‘to do list’. Mundane activities like taxes, home repairs, paying bills, and other administrivia, which I had deprioritized in favor of self care, now drew me in.

Oh, and the indigestion. I’ve struggled pretty badly with what my doctor labeled gastritis the last couple weeks. Stomach issues are remarkably debilitating: they sap you of energy and they trigger anxiety and fear. Eating is uncomfortable. Sleeping is challenging. Exercising is unpleasant. My doctor says I can take medication to help the healing process; so far I’ve pursued natural solutions like fasting, careful eating, acupuncture, and ample rest.

One day last week I decided to take a ‘sick day’. Put differently, I gave myself permission to goof off for a day while I fasted, rested, and tried to heal. I read and I napped, but mostly I just watched copious amounts of television. It was gluttonous, wasteful, and utterly glorious. Glorious because I gave myself permission to ‘waste’ some time. Your mom and I have lived for several years under relatively constant pressure to optimize our time. The only way to do our jobs, take care of you two, and keep our lives running was to ruthlessly optimize our time. We’ve optimized, optimized, and optimized. It’s worked, but it’s honestly been pretty soul-crushing. We just haven’t made enough time for play, for curiosity, for indulging whimsy. So my ‘sick day’ (which turned into two days, BTW) served to remind me that this time off is meant to allow me to rebalance my life, which partly means overindulging in play, curiosity, and whimsy. And some days that may mean skipping a workout or writing or meditating, because these are not the only forms of self care that need attention.

Something strange happened along the way: while watching television, during a mildly sad scene, I broke down crying. Huge, heaving, guffawing sobs. I cried for several minutes. I cried more later, and again the next day. I still don’t know why. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Whatever it was, something clearly needed to come out, and the crying ultimately felt cathartic. I am starting to believe that sadness and love are both felt in the heart, and that you have to feel the sadness in order to let it go and make space for your heart to feel love. So I’m hopeful the crying was therapeutic in its own way.

What does it all mean? Honestly, I don’t know. And that’s the hardest thing to admit to my kids. Your dad is making it up as I go, just like you are. Fortunately I know enough to guide the two of you through childhood. I’d like to believe that I’ll learn enough by then to help guide the two of you through adulthood. The reality, however, is that you two will need to guide yourselves. You will, once again, be making it up as you go, only in adulthood you’ll learn that you have to do it yourselves, without teachers and parents there to shepherd you. We can support and offer advice, but everyone is on their own Hero’s Journey, and part of the Hero’s Journey is recognizing that it’s uniquely yours, and that no one can take it but you. More than hoping to guide you through your journey, I hope to teach you to take control of your own Hero’s Journey younger than I did.

I love you,

Dad

March 13, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Sometimes making a change, even a necessary change, yields negative results in the short term. When I first learned this concept in business school, my professor labelled it ‘worse before better’. Though I learned the concept related to companies, it applies to individuals as well.

Stocks and flows

To explain this concept, let me introduce another: stocks and flows. Flows are pretty intuitive: they are the time and effort we put into an activity. The stocks, however, are less intuitive; they are whatever we have built up related to past activities. These could be capabilities, assets, or liabilities; the point is they exist independent of our short-term efforts. But stocks and flows impact each other: the more effort (flows) we put into a thing, the more stocks we build; the more stock we build, the easier and/or greater impact those flows become. Conversely, the less effort we put into a thing, the more those stocks dwindle. The challenge with behavioral change is that we often get confused by cause-and-effect: perhaps we add an activity and don’t see positive results, or perhaps we stop and activity and don’t see the negative results we expected; in either case it’s often the available stock that’s confusing our cause and effect.

Investing

The easiest way to illustrate this might be with investing, as it’s the most concrete and measurable. When we spend less than we make and invest our savings, our money compounds. At first the impacts of compounding are trivial: we don’t have much savings, and the compounding on a small amount is an even smaller amount. This might lead one to conclude that saving and investing don’t matter. Over time however, the impact of saving and investing (collectively, the ‘flow’ activities) becomes profound, such that in retirement we can live comfortably without an income, living off the assets (the ‘stock’) we accrued over time.

The reverse can be true as well: by spending more than we make, we take on debt. At first, the impact of taking on debt seems trivial: a small monthly credit card payment perhaps. Over time, however, the debt burden can become crushing, causing all sorts of financial discomfort and stress as the interest payments take up a larger and larger amount of our income.

I hope that you both start saving money as soon as you begin earning. If, however, you accrue debt in your younger years and decide to change course, you will learn to viscerally understand ‘worse before better’. Assuming for now you don’t have a sudden jump in earning (which happens, but unnecessarily complicates the point), you will need to cut expenses in order to move from spending more than you make to spending less. Cutting those expenses will degrade your quality of life: less dining at restaurants, fewer vacations, a smaller entertainment budget…in short, you will do less of the stuff you enjoy. And you won’t really notice a benefit! You will save for months and feel like you’ve barely put a dent in your loans, much less accrued any savings or wealth. Over time, however, you will start to pay down loans, and your interest burden will decrease; this will allow you to choose whether you add back a few luxuries or accelerate your savings (or even do a bit of both). Eventually you will pay off your loans and start building savings, which will allow you to reap the benefits of compounding and enjoy a far better lifestyle than when you were debt burdened. Unfortunately, you first have to go through the valley of ‘worse before better’.

Exercise

I am presently experiencing ‘worse before better’ with my exercise routine, for the same ‘stock and flow’ reasons. For what is now approaching three decades, I’ve neglected my health (or, more accurately, tended to my health sporadically). The short term impacts were always small: I didn’t really notice a deterioration in my health. But I was drawing down on my ‘stock’ of health slowly over time, and those drawdowns have compounded such that I am now weak, unfit, and brittle. As a result, my experiences these last ~6 weeks with strength training, cardio, and mobility work have been pretty unpleasant! Some days I feel tired and lethargic, some days I feel acute muscle soreness, and some days I feel stiff from stretching out creaky joints. I didn’t feel these pains when I wasn’t exercising! And yet, we all sorta know that exercising and stretching will lead to improved health; eventually I will feel better, I just need to go through the valley of ‘worse before better’ first.

Lessons

The lessons for you two? I think there are 5:

1. Start saving as soon as you start earning. Habits matter; even if your income is small, save a small percentage. As your income grows, grow your savings. If you need to take on debt when you are young (say, to pay for a classes or a degree that will enhance your earning potential), pay it off aggressively, so that you can start saving and compounding interest.
2. Maintain an exercise routine throughout your life. Be sure to include some combination of strength, cardiovascular, and mobility training. Your focus between the three may adjust over time. Your overall effort may wax and wane. But try to keep all three in your lifestyle in some way or another. Unlike savings, your health will naturally deteriorate over time; you may want to set periodic checkpoints (perhaps participating in a 5k race) to help you track the deterioration to make sure it doesn’t become too dramatic.
3. If you fall behind on either #1 or #2, adjust course as soon as you can. Gird yourselves for the valley of ‘worse before better’. Most behavioral change dies in the valley of ‘worse before better’ because we don’t expect it; charting a course through the valley is the most effective way I’ve found to sustain the change (and achieve the outcome) you seek.
4. Of course, saving and exercise are not the only types of stocks and flows you will experience in life, they just happen to be the most universal. Whenever you want to pursue behavioral change, think about how stock and flows might impact your trajectory, and to the extent possible, map out what you expect from the ‘worse before better’ phenomenon.
5. When you are part of a group that needs to make a change, help that team anticipate ‘worse before better’. Stocks and flows are not intuitive, and experiencing discomfort from behavioral change often causes teams to revert back to old behaviors, even when we know those behaviors are no longer optimal.

How do we know we’re in the valley?

How do you know whether you are in the valley of ‘worse before better’, or if your change just isn’t working? Ah, this is the proverbial million dollar question. Sometimes this will be as much art as science, and you will just have to navigate and trust your instincts; somehow I feel like I can tell the difference between unhealthy and unpleasant-but-healthy pain in my exercise routine. As much as possible, however, you will want to measure. If you are paying down debt this is relatively straightforward: you can map out your savings plan and chart out how long it will take you to pay off your debt, and then accrue savings (with some reasonable assumption around investment compounding). If you are (like me) starting an exercise routine, combine the measurable with the subjective: the measurables might include weight, body fat %, muscle mass, how long it takes to run a mile, how much you can lift, and whether you can touch your toes (or perform other mobility movements); the subjective might include pictures with your shirt off, how you feel after a mile run, or how you feel when you wake up in the morning. You might not be able to plan your growth very accurately (at least not in the early stages), but you can at least track changes.

Set milestones, stack wins

After you’ve decided what metrics to track and (in the example of saving) come up with a plan, try to identify milestones along the valley of ‘worse before better’. If you are cutting expenses, how long until you are able to add back some perks? How long until you are able to recover to your current lifestyle? Knowing these things in advance will help you get through the unpleasantness of reducing your expenditures. If starting an exercise routine, start identifying goals that help you generate ‘little wins’. At first this just means doing a workout (this is my current stage). Eventually, you will be able to start formulating goals like “I want to cut 30 seconds off my mile time” or “I want to add 30 pounds to my bench press”. Maybe you identify a long-term goal that gets you excited; start breaking that goal down into manageable chunks, so that you give yourself goals you can accomplish this week and this month. Set the bar low to start: stacking wins matters hugely at this stage. Once habits have formed you can set more ambitious short term goals. Starting out you will need all the help you an get to survive the valley of ‘worse before better’, so set goals you know you can meet, then increase your ambition as you become more confident your habits are set.

I’d love to believe that you’ll never experience the valley of ‘worse before better’. The truth is that even if you maintain a savings and exercise practice, you will identify some behavior in adulthood you need to change. While you guys are young you learn so fast that your feedback loops are practically instant: you can get noticeably better at almost anything within a practice session. In adulthood this changes, and so you will need to learn tools to overcome the frustration that sets in when the learning curve of youth flattens out. I’m hopeful this note gives you a rough outline on how to proceed when you get there.

I love you,

Dad