Masculinity

February 4, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Men are the more disposable sex. The potential future growth (or decline) of a population is pretty directly linked with the number of females; technically, men can have virtually unlimited babies, whereas women can have relatively few. As a result, men have typically been assigned the more dangerous roles in society, as society can more readily afford to lose men during a dangerous hunt or in battle. Even today, jobs with high mortality rates are dominated by men.

To offset what so far seems like a raw deal for men, societies have historically sweetened the deal by giving them relatively higher status and prestige. This is not to say that all men have had higher status than all women, but that men have tended to hold the highest status positions in societies across cultures and eras. The rewards have not been distributed equally: the highest status men tended to draw a disproportionate amount of status, whether that be in the form of riches, titles, sexual partners, or whatever other forms of status matter to a given society and time period. The disproportionate rewards have a counterintuitive impact: they disproportionally motivate lower status males to achieve higher status. Even today we see the lottery draw more participants than it should based on the expected value of winning, as well as middle managers (or aspiring middle manager) overestimating their odds of becoming fabulous wealthy via becoming executives in their companies (and thus working harder than they otherwise would if they knew their real earning potential). Indeed, excessive CEO compensation appears to primarily serve as a social hack to motivate everyone else in the company.

So to summarize: men (and particularly high status men) have historically reaped disproportionate rewards in exchange for taking on the dangerous roles in society and being treated as genetically expendable. In modern times, however, the relationship between status and danger has broken down. CEOs (to take just one example) have hard jobs to be sure, but they are not particularly dangerous jobs. CEOs don’t get killed in combat, and generally don’t die hunting large wild game. And yet we reward CEOs (the same could be said for plenty of other roles in society) as if the old social contract were in place.

Women are rightly challenging the traditional distribution of spoils, particularly the disproportionate flow of spoils to men. If high status jobs are no longer particularly dangerous, why should they be dominated by men? And why should men get the lion’s share of the spoils? While American men still dominate the highest status roles in society, women are ascending in increasing numbers. Overall, this seems like a very good thing. Contrasting with history, where women’s primary avenue to status was via marriage, the current arrangement seems far fairer for women.

And yet men are struggling to adjust. Men are used to serving as provider and protector within the family. As women begin to share those roles, men are struggling to identify where they contribute. Many women want men to play a larger part in the traditionally female-dominated roles within a family (say, child rearing or homemaking); not all men find such work fulfilling. Everyone wants a role where they are able to make unique contributions. Men are increasingly struggling to identify theirs.

Some men appear to be giving up. Women outnumber men in college by about 50%. There are about 7 million men (or about 10%) aged 25-54 who are neither working nor looking for work. These men, on average, are not homemakers: they spend less time child-rearing and homemaking than their working male counterparts, but they do spend 7 hours a day on leisure activities like watching TV and playing games.

Our current cultural preferences elevate feminine traits and denounce masculine traits. Feminine traits like generosity, collaboration, and nurturing are held in high regard, while masculine traits like strength, assertiveness, and competitiveness are treated more like problems to be addressed (or at the very least concerns to be monitored). And then, while we increasingly stamp the masculinity out of men, we are seeing women increasingly exhibit masculine behavior. While women should have every opportunity to become their best selves, I can’t help but wonder if women are bringing masculine energy out of a desire to see it displayed. I also wonder if the explosion of women transitioning to become men is somehow related to the lack of masculinity in our society, in an unknowing effort to rebalance the scales.

I don’t think the current balance between masculine and feminine energy is sustainable. I’ve seen a suggestion that we are practically inviting fascism (a particularly masculine form of government) to rebalance the cosmic energy. I’m not sure I agree, though I do wonder if we’re inviting war with a more masculine society (like, say, China) to elicit our own masculinity again. I do think we need to enable men to spend more time outside, being active, spending time with other men. Our current culture is very classroom and office dominated: we don’t spend enough time outside, moving around, building strength, working together to challenge and test nature. All of these activities will be critical for helping men rediscover themselves.

What does this all mean for the two of you? Well, for one thing, it means you are growing up in a world confused with its relationship to masculinity. My guess is that, with some searching, you’ll be able to identify how that confusion impacted your childhoods, thereby impacting your approach to life in adulthood. And while my goal is certainly to help you navigate your own healthy relationship to your masculinity, the truth is that I’m rediscovering my own.

One thing I can do is point out what’s inherent to each of you. Leland, your dominant traits are more typically masculine: you are hyper-logical, focused, clear, and assertive. Everett, you like me are more balanced between your masculine and feminine traits. You are emotional, caring, collaborative, and expressive. These differences are neither good nor bad: they just are, and it’s important to be aware of your natural tendencies as you evolve in adulthood.

I can also encourage you not to allow yourselves to get buried in desk or office work. Make time for outside play, ideally with other men. Work on projects you enjoy with people you enjoy. Stay fit, and continue to challenges yourselves athletically. Pursue careers where you can be wholly you, flaws and all.

We’re not nearly done evolving our social contract between men and women. For the last several decades, the evolution has primarily focused on bringing fairness to women. I anticipate the next phase will focus on bringing masculinity back to men. As the father of two beautiful boys, I dearly hope so.

I love you,

Eric