February 7, 2024
Dear Leland and Everett,
In my prayer group on Monday we were asked to engage in an interactive prayer with Jesus. We were given a number of potential topics to explore. One of the topics was to request to see yourself and others through the eyes of Jesus. I’d encountered the idea of seeing through the eyes of God or Jesus repeatedly recently, so decided to take this as my opportunity to do so. To set the stage, imagine Jesus standing in front of a congregation at a synagogue. I approach Jesus and ask to see through his eyes, and from his vantage point.
Looking through Jesus’ eyes at me, I saw nervous energy radiating out. A combination of fear and sadness created a veneer of anxiety projecting unintentionally. I recognize that energy: I see it in others, including your mom, regularly. I then realized that I observe the energy in your mom and others precisely because I recognize it in myself. As Jesus I looked at this anxiety with compassion, thinking “if you only knew the gifts and abundance available to you”.
I looked deeper and noticed a bright light emanating from within me. The light was mostly covered by a thin layer of darkness representing fear and sadness. I noticed that the light was ready to break through once I could release the remaining fear and sadness. The light looked rather bright, and the layer of darkness covering the light was cracked and thin, leaving significant parts of my light exposed. I sense the light has grown, and the fear and sadness have receded, rather dramatically over the last year (or two or three).
Still looking through Jesus eyes, I then scanned the congregation. I saw each person as an inner light covered by an outer layer of darkness or shadows. Some individuals were so closed off (so enveloped in fear and sadness) that Jesus could not see their light (or see it only very faintly). Others were mostly covered in a thick layer of shadows, but cracks allowed slivers of light to poke through. As Jesus, I felt an invitation to engage with the light exposed by the cracks. I didn’t sense Jesus felt any hostility toward those fully covered in shadows, revealing none of their internal light; but I did sense Jesus felt a lack of invitation, a lack of opening, an unwillingness to be exposed to and draw strength from Jesus’ light and love. My interpretation (formed later) is that Jesus/God want to engage with us all, but recognize they must be invited in. Jesus/God, ironically, enjoy engaging with us where we are broken precisely because our brokenness exposes our light, or love, our humanity. We need not lead with our brokenness: Jesus/God are perfectly happy engaging with any and all openings, anywhere we are willing to expose ourselves. Our brokenness (or perceived brokenness) just happens to be where we expose ourselves most commonly.
A couple years ago, in one of my first visions, I discovered that my light could be a source of healing for others. I was tempted to bring that light to everyone, even chasing the reluctant if necessary. A thought came to me: “no, you are to walk in your path; they will come to the light when they are ready”. I asked “what if some are never ready?”. The response, “that is not for you to know”. I very much did not like that response, but sensed that I needed to surrender.
On Sunday, I sensed a call to engage with someone. This time, my message was met with resistance. My sense, in retrospect, was that my counterparty wanted to understand my message intellectually, and resisted the possibility of surrendering to other ways of knowing. I sense she was at least a little stuck in righteousness, wanting to solve others’ problems instead of engaging with her own. I like and care for this individual, so spent some time later ruminating over how to break through. I eventually sensed that I am called to engage where I sense invitation. I planted a seed with this individual, and my hope is that the seed sprouts and pokes through her resistance. In the meantime, I am reminded to heed the message I conveyed to her: when I am tempted to solve the problems I see in others, what I am really encountering is an invitation to heal me. I trust that her journey is perfect, and that she will learn to let go of her resistance and righteousness at the right time and in the right way. In the meantime, I am reminded to walk in my path, sharing my light with those who are drawn to it, but allowing the uninterested and unready the peace and space to walk in their own path.
The coda to last night’s prayer: Jesus zoomed out and looked at the world. He saw a layer of scaffolding hovering above the world, representing the structures we have built to control each other via fear. I, personally, felt a stabbing pain in my chest as Jesus lamented the needlessness for the scaffolding: if only they knew the deeper love, truth, and way of being available to them in how they interact and engage with each other. I’m not entirely sure what this meant, though I anticipate it is a topic I will explore in coming weeks or months.
I love you both,
Dad
Letters to Leland 