Fear

March 18, 2024

Dear Leland and Everett,

I mentioned previously that in one of my first visions, I found myself moving away from fear. That visual stays with me, and I’d like to explore some further and more recent learnings I’ve had on the topic.

Fear encourages us to move away from something we don’t want, instead of toward something we do.

Fear relies on shadows. I am not sure I can describe the moment of becoming gripped by fear, that moment when we turn away from those things that we do want and begin to avoid the things we don’t want. The act of becoming gripped by fear is, for me anyway, still so subtle as to be unnoticeable.

What I do know is that the act of turning away from fear also turns us away from our source of light, strength, and life (or, said differently, our connection to God). Our fears sit between us and our light, and use the light to project shadows on the walls in front of us. We confuse those shadows with reality, and use our fight-or-flight tools to attempt to attack or run away from those shadows.

Over time we get so attuned to facing the shadows on the wall that we convince ourselves that the shadows are real, and that if we could just get the shadows to stop dancing on the walls in such menacing fashion, we could finally feel peace. Of course, the truth is that the shadows are just an illusion hiding the real pain, trauma, or fear.

The best method I have found for identifying when I am stuck in fear, confusing shadows for reality, is when I become convinced that my problems were created by someone else, and particularly when I start to obsess with how to make someone else change behavior. To be clear, I am not suggesting that others’ behavior never requires correction; setting boundaries is an important life skill. But setting boundaries is something I can control. Obsessing about how I am going to control or convince someone to do what I want, and then how I am going to police and enforce that behavior once I’ve established my imaginary control…is not a productive use of my time nor energy. I can control me, I do not and cannot control others. Confusing that simple fact is an almost surefire sign that I have become gripped by fear, turning away from the truth and my light, living my life avoiding or fighting shadows.

My Grandad told an entertaining story where he experienced terrible pain on one side of his mouth; he went to the dentist to discover that he, in fact, had a cavity. The twist was that the cavity was on the opposite side of his mouth from where he experienced the pain. Once the dentist addressed the cavity, the pain went away, effectively confirming that the cavity was the source of his pain, even if he experienced the pain in a completely different place from its source.

I tell this story partly because I’ve had similar experiences (both in my mouth and in other physical aliments), but mostly because identifying the root of our fears strikes me as metaphorically similar. The roots of our fears are often only loosely connected to the shadows that we so struggle to suppress, in much the same way that the root of my Grandad’s pain was observably connected to its source only insofar as both the cavity and the pain occurred in his mouth. For example, I identified virtually all of my personas when exploring my fears. None of them emerged from neatly parallel shadows, but all of them emerged from an exploration of the source of the shadows I experienced.

A secret to healing and growth, then, is to learn when to stop fighting shadows and turn around and face our fears. Our programming tells us not to do this, and so facing our fears is irrationally difficult. But facing our fears allows us to identify the roots of our fears, and thus address them in ways that solve the problems. Once we address the fear creating the shadows, we stop seeing the shadows; thus like my Grandad, we confirm that we’ve identified the root of a problem when the experience of pain and suffering go away.

So practically speaking, how does one turn around and face the source generating the shadows in our lives? The first step is to identify when we are fighting (or running away from) shadows. As I mentioned earlier, the best way to know you are fighting the shadows is when you are convinced that the solution resides with someone else, especially when you find yourself obsessed with establishing your ability to control or influence someone else. When you observe yourself attempting to control another instead of yourself, become aware. Become open to the possibility you are fighting a shadow and avoiding the underlying problem. From there, begin to ask yourself “what is really going on here?” If you are anything like me, you will find that you go through layers and iterations of wanting to control someone outside your control. This might represent progress, but means you have yet to identify the root of the problem. Keep looking, asking yourself, “okay, but why does this bother me so much?”.

Meditation helps. Exploring the physical sensations in bodies can lead us to the source of our fears. So can a higher power; indeed, just asking God’s help can dramatically accelerate understanding. Our rational brains cannot identify our fears, because our fears are not rational. Indeed, our rational brains compound the problem, in their ability to create more and more rational plans (and arguments for why!) to make the shadows go away. It is hard to shelve the crutch that has become our rational brains, but surrendering to our bodies, our spiritual beings, or God is precisely the act of turning around to face the underlying fear creating the shadow. Identifying the fear is usually not fun; we’ve been holding onto that fear for a reason. But once we see the fear for what it is (and it is usually far smaller in reality than the shadows we allow it to project), we are usually able to remain facing it until we learn from it and heal. And healing is far more rewarding than remaining stuck in our rumination, building structures in our mind out of shadows that keep us trapped and sap us of our vitality.

In my experience, the alternative to healing is not fun. We have all developed tricks for getting away from the recurring shadows in our lives. But those shadows recur precisely because our souls long to heal; our fears project the same shadows over and over again because some part of us wants to heal, wants to accept the opportunity to turn around and face our fears. Otherwise we spend more and more of our lives fighting shadows, wasting our precious energy and time on earth trapped in a cage fight of our own making. I very much wish the two of you an adulthood filled with growth rather than constantly shrinking in the face of fears. Both options are challenging; one is rewarding and fulfilling, while the other constricts and slowly suffocates. I implore you: choose growth.

I love you both.

Love,

Dad