February 12, 2024
Dear Leland and Everett,
We had a pretty wonderful weekend. On Saturday we celebrated the lunar new year, in part by partaking in the wonderful traditions of rec league basketball and attending a friend’s birthday party. Jokes aside, I really enjoyed watching your games and spending time with you before, during, and after your games. And fortunately, rec league games go quickly enough that we still had plenty of time remaining on Sunday to enjoy a festive lunch and dinner together. On Sunday we ran errands together before the Super Bowl; our original plan was to watch with friends, but our host contracted Covid, so we watched at home as a family. Overall, while we didn’t do anything particularly noteworthy, I just enjoyed being with you guys and your mom. It was a peaceful, joyful weekend.
Perhaps related: on Friday I decided to follow up on my Thursday meditation. In particular, I wanted to explore the anxiety I sensed I was radiating and the thin but incomplete layer of darkness I sensed covering my light. After settling into my meditation I identified the anxious energy rather effortlessly. After just a moment sitting with the energy I remembered that our anxious energy is really just how we experience resistance to positive emotion. Said differently, I’m starting to believe that anytime I feel a surge of energy, there is an underlying positive emotion (ultimately love, but often paired with some inspiration, experienced as a desire to do or say something). I reminded myself not to resist, and just allow the energy to be.
Around this point my attention shifted to my receptor. I haven’t meditated regarding my receptor in quite awhile, and I didn’t intentionally shift my attention there. But soon after I elected to allow my energy to flow without resistance, my attention shifted to the receptor and I felt a release of loving energy emanating outward. I felt a strange combination of peace and calm combined with energy flow. The energy reminded me of how I might feel when inspired to create something, or motivated to do something. In other words, not sensations I normally feel paired with peace and calm. I just sat with the variety of sensations as if practicing holding them simultaneously. This felt healing.
In fact, at this point I imagined my head lying in Jesus’ lap, as if Jesus were nursing me back to health. I looked at Jesus as if to say “okay, I’m ready to get up”, sensing this new energy would be sufficiently healing to provide inspiration and motivation while simultaneously healing whatever I have left to heal. Jesus didn’t speak, but looked at me as if to say “No child; continue to rest and heal. Go slow. Take it easy.”
With some reflection, I take two meanings from that experience. First, I am reminded to focus on being rather than doing. American society is very focused on what we do, and in particular what we accomplish. And so we feel constantly compelled to do, in an effort to accomplish the things that will bring us love, abundance, and joy. God reminds us that we are in fact called to just Be, and in the process of being experience God’s love, abundance, and joy.
Counterintuitively, Being does not mean existing in a state of sloth or even inactivity. Being means allowing love, inspiration, and energy to flow through us unimpeded. My suspicion is that those who experience Being are in fact quite active and productive, but perhaps not in ways that we commonly associate with achievement and status.
My second takeaway from the meditation reinforces a recently coalescing thought: the real purpose of life is to heal ourselves and to experience wholeness. Important to highlight here: healing ourselves is the path to healing others. At a very deep level, what we want is what God wants, and what is best for the world. Doing good becomes a natural extension of our Being, as we act from a place of healing and wholeness, and through our very presence we become an invitation to others to heal.
I actually think this is what Jesus meant when he said “No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). Jesus was speaking as the I AM, the state of total harmony with God. Jesus is intimating that we each possess the tools to achieve this state, and that the path to the Kingdom is through ourselves, via the path of healing, to discover the I AM: connection to God and all there is.
I also think this is what Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas means when he says “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” We heal by surrendering what is within us (e.g. the sources of resistance). Resisting the invitation to let go of our pain brings us into encounter with increasing levels of suffering.
And how does one heal? Well, we’ve talked about this once before, but I increasingly believe that the path to healing is through surrender. If I identify another relevant tool I will share, but so far my experience suggests that identifying resistance and then surrendering the resistance (with God’s help if needed) can solve pretty much all problems. Our suffering comes not from what is, but from our resistance and unwillingness to accept what is. When we can let go of the resistance, we can find peace. We still experience waves of energy and emotion, but let go of our attachments.
I’d be remise if I didn’t highlight a couple recent observations. I’m spending less time on my phone; I still use my phone a lot, but I no longer feel a compulsive need to look at my phone the minute I feel under-stimulated. I still find switching away from my phone and back into the real world to be somewhat challenging. Perhaps I’ll get better at switching, or perhaps I’ll continue to decrease my usage of my phone. I’m drinking less caffeine than I used to: for years my routine has been to drink 2 cups of coffee each day. In the last week I’ve skipped coffee at least 3 or 4 days. I didn’t skip the coffee out of any purposeful effort, but just a lack of interest. I felt awake and didn’t feel like I needed coffee to enhance my wakeful state. Finally, my relationship to food and alcohol are evolving. I historically binge ate and drank on weekends, I think in an effort to numb myself a bit from the stresses of the week (and metaphorically stuff those negative emotions back down). I still drink alcohol on occasion, but generally not beyond a drink or two. And even then, I’m aware that I am drinking in part because there is some emotion I don’t want to feel (and so I make the note to explore in my subsequent meditation). I still overeat, but rarely do I truly binge eat. Currently my overeating typically consists of eating a little too much at dinner time (by which point I’m not typically hungry, but want to eat dinner as a communal activity with the family). None of these changes have been intentional or purposeful, so I won’t set any goals or intention around them. Instead I observe the changes with appreciation and curiosity, and will continue to watch how I evolve.
I love you guys. Thanks for a great weekend.
Love,
Dad
Letters to Leland 