Honoring a thought

November 9, 2023

Hi Leland and Everett,

In my ongoing struggle with and (hopefully) transformation away from living as a codependent, I had a small but (I think) important breakthrough recently.

As mentioned previously, I came to appreciate over the summer that I no longer want to live a life attempting to control others. I also no longer want to live a life under the control of others. This led to a summer of confusion and emotional chaos, as I didn’t know how to engage with others outside the parameters of a codependent dance of attempting to control and being controlled.

As I started learning (and to be clear, I am very much still learning) to find peace in not wanting to control others, I periodically encountered burning emotions around what I perceived to be bothersome behavior by others. At first this emotion didn’t surprise me: I assumed I was just being tempted by my now suddenly suppressed desire to control others. With continued introspection and exploration, I discovered something different.

Ultimately what I discovered was that the burning emotion signified some idea or thought that wanted to be expressed. This surprised me, as the thought often seemed a lot like advice or, frankly, an effort to control. But I finally realized that I can honor a thought without attaching to an outcome. My habit was to translate a thought into advice or a desired outcome, and then I would go ‘explain’ something to someone in an attempt to achieve the desired outcome. Attaching to the outcome, particularly when conversations didn’t go as hoped, resulted in frustration and the fundamental cracks in all my relationships. And my logical assumption was that by dropping my need to control others I would stop giving advice or saying the things that came to me. What I discovered instead was a call to express thoughts as cleanly and authentically as possible, without the extra baggage of my interpretation; and then, from there, my role is to let go of the outcome. Accept that sometimes the thought will be received well. Sometimes the thought will be received poorly. Sometimes the audience isn’t ready to hear the thought, but will be someday (and so it’s important to plant the thought now, so that they might hear it when they are ready).

I was quite surprised to discover that living authentically can mean honoring certain thoughts that come to us (those that come with a certain emotional weight or resonance) while simultaneously accepting that those thoughts might be ignored or even vigorously attacked. This discovery might seem obvious to you or others, but to a lifetime codependent this struck me as profound, and a breakthrough. To be clear, I’m a long way from practicing this new art effectively; for one thing it takes me longer to identify the thought than is usually available within the flow of a conversation. I’m typically only able to double back on conversations with your mom. Over time with practice I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to identify and honor thoughts that want to be expressed in real time, which I anticipate will help me engage with people (and especially loved ones) more authentically. But that will take some time.

You might be asking how I differentiate between a thought that wants to be expressed and an outcome that I want to achieve. This is very hard to describe, but I’ll do the best I can. Attaching to an outcome is driven by ego; what I’ve found most commonly is that when I am consumed by ego, my mind races trying to find the perfect argument. I imagine the other party’s responses to all my statements, and scenario plan how I would respond to each. I practice what I would say to different responses over and over, my mind racing in an attempt to craft the perfect words, approach, or strategy. This exercise is often intellectually satisfying, but emotionally exhausting. Once consumed, I usually cannot stop for hours on end. I’m now convinced that the endless mind racing is precisely driven by the impossibility of the task at hand; my body knows I cannot ‘win’ the argument or control the outcome, and yet my ego is convinced that it can and eventually will find the solution.

A thought that wants to be expressed feels different. A thought that wants to be expressed is simple, usually only a few words. And once identified, I feel a resonance in my body. Right now it feels pretty uncomfortable, somehow simultaneously deeply personal and yet seeming as if it comes not ultimately from me but as if it wants to be expressed through me. The idea of expressing the thought stirs a lot of energy in my body: turning my focus to other subjects causes the energy to subside, and turning my focus back to the thought stirs the energy anew. Typically the energy feels as if it comes from somewhere between my stomach and my heart. And to be clear, despite the discomfort of the resonance, I feel a deep knowing that somehow expressing the thought will bring me into alignment.

Anyway, the purpose of this note isn’t to suggest that you can just say whatever you want and dissociate from the responses of others. That would just be another act of the ego. Rather, the purpose of the note is, like so many of the others, mostly about helping you to know me better in the thought that maybe it will help you navigate the world someday. I had a thought that wanted to be expressed, and so I honor that thought with this note to you. What it means to you and what you choose to do with it, I will leave for you to decide for yourselves.

I love you dearly,

Dad