June 9, 2023
Dear Leland and Everett,
Today is Leland’s last day of 2nd grade. Today is also Leland’s last day of after school at the bilingual school where he also attended preschool, and where Everett attends preschool now. Today is also Everett’s last day of preschool. Next year Everett will attend kindergarten at Leland’s elementary school. Said differently: today represents a lot of transitions for our family.
In particular, today is the last day that either of you will attend school at a place where both of you have gone since our family moved home from Singapore. For the last 4.5 years, your mom and I have dropped you off and picked you up at the same place. We have enjoyed the teachers and the curriculum; both of you learned rapidly, and the school facilitated you learning at your own pace. You both made friends (in fact, Leland’s best friends are still the ones he made in preschool and kindergarten), and we have made friends with the parents of your friends. The school is bilingual, so your Chinese has improved immensely, which enables beautiful communication opportunities with your Ah Ma, as well as some of your mom’s friends. Even during Covid, the school and the families who attended were so careful that the school was able to remain open, without anyone getting sick until well after vaccines were readily available (I find this borderline miraculous).
I write today just to record that I’m feeling sadness today, and I think it’s because we are saying goodbye to a school that has been a staple in our lives for several years. In many ways it’s a small change: you’ll still go to school, you’ll still learn Mandarin (your mom insists on that), and you will maintain the friendships you made. But it’s still a change, and I’m learning there’s no value in denying the affect and the sadness I feel. I think the sadness stems in part from a broader concern I have: the two of you are growing up so fast, and I’ll admit that I worry the time is getting away from me. I really enjoy spending time with both of you, but I also notice that you are getting old enough that I’m not “enough” to keep you stimulated. You are growing up, and need more stimulus, more adventure, and more people and relationships in your life than I can provide on my own. And so I think I’m grieving not just the last day of school, but also the two of you growing up and, I sense, eventually growing apart from me.
I love you both more than I will ever be able to express. I’m so proud of you both for becoming the beautiful, strong, kind, smart, capable boys that you are. I hold incalculable gratitude that I have the both of you in my life. And, truth be told, today I am also sad to say goodbye to your school, but also to say goodbye to the era where you were little boys. And so, I will try to grieve today, and for as long as I need to, so that I’m ready to embrace the next chapter in our lives together.
I love you,
Dad
Letters to Leland 