May 10, 2023
Dear Leland and Everett,
My third vision sprung out of the second, but requires some preface. My coach guides me through what she calls ‘persona work’; this appears to be loosely based on Internal Family Systems (IFS), an approach to psychotherapy developed by Richard Schwartz. IFS posits that an individual is in fact a collection of personas; these personas emerge in order to protect us, especially from painful past experiences. The personas protect us by assuming control of our behavior when we feel threatened, particularly with situations that remind us of the painful experiences from which the personas emerged. At the time of this vision, my coach was mostly helping me identify when these personas had assumed control, so that in awareness I might be more intentional about deciding whether I wanted these personas to assume command. After this vision, I began a practice of engaging with the personas which I found to be deeply healing.
I’ll illustrate the idea of a persona with a specific example. We (my coach and I) named the first persona we identified Sgt Get It Done. My coach observed that I used the phrase “get it done” several times when venting about some particular frustration. With some guidance, she helped me identify that Sgt Get It Done emerged whenever I encountered tasks I found unfulfilling but necessary. His purpose was to get the unpleasant task finished as quickly and efficiently as possible; he did this to free up time and energy for me to do things I would find more fulfilling (namely at that time: investing in relationships, especially in the form of spending more time with your mom). This was relevant because Sgt Get It Done was causing me to pick fights, both at work and with your mom. To take the example with your mom, identifying Sgt Get It Done’s existence helped me create awareness when he had assumed control, which helped me move beyond the superficial motives of the persona (“I just want to get this done”, typically expressed with impatience and frustration), and express myself more wholly (“I really don’t want to do this, but I do understand it needs to be done. But I’m noticing that we haven’t spent enough time together recently. Do you mind if we commit to limiting the amount of time we spend on this activity to an hour, and then can we schedule some time for us later today?”).
I mentioned in my second vision (the first I wrote about, but the second I experienced chronologically) that Jesus shrank and came inside me to help tend my light. After that vision I sensed that I needed to spend more time nurturing my light with Jesus. So the next day I (unknowingly at the time) kicked off a practice that continued regularly for the next year, and which I still practice today.
I visualized myself shrinking and traveling into my torso (my physical body remained current size, while my consciousness travelled internally). There I found Jesus tending my light, just where I had left him in the second vision. We embraced. I observed that my light, which the day before resembled a candle in size, had grown into a campfire. Jesus and I stood in the light and heat of the campfire. Just like a real campfire, this one lit only the immediate surroundings: anything beyond a ~15 foot radius was completely black.
In that moment, my personas began emerging from the shadows, as if drawn by the light of the campfire. It occurs to me now that my limitations as a storyteller prevent me from adequately portraying how surprising this felt at the time: I did not know what would happen while tending my light with Jesus, but I certainly did not expect my personas to appear. But appear they did, one by one. As each emerged, we embraced; I thanked each one of them for their service.
Allow me to introduce the personas briefly (at least as they existed then: I’ve discovered more since):
- Warrior: this was new as of this vision. He serves as my idea of a true leader and warrior. Strong but controlled, capable of aggression but disciplined, willing to stand for himself but noble. He resembles a warrior from a tribal era, standing stall with spear in hand.
- Sgt Get It Done: introduced above.
- Professor: wants to be rational at all times. Wants others to be rational at all times. Emerges when I sense others are being emotional instead of rational, and tends to lecture them for not thinking clearly.
- Codependent: an 8-year old who just wants to help others. He’s terrified of other’s anger (or really, any negative emotions), and works tirelessly to prevent or mollify the anger, fear, and sadness in those he loves. He sacrifices his well-being for the well-being of others, no matter how important his own needs are.
- Snot-Nose: 6-year old me sneezed at lunch during 1st grade. Snot flew out my nose, covering my upper lip. I was sitting at one end of a long, rectangular table, with my classmates at all the other seats at the table. They all said in unison, “EWWWWW!”. I was mortified. This persona represents my fear of rejection, of being shunned by others, of being left behind by the tribe. He does whatever he can to avoid being shunned by the tribe or its elders.
- Leper: fears being ultimately unworthy of love.
I spent extra time with Snot-Nose and the Leper, sensing they needed the most attention that day. I held each, individually, in a lengthy embrace. I then looked each in the eye (getting down on one knee with Snot-Nose) and let them know that they are loved. Because I love them.
We sat around the campfire, together. I came to realize that these personas serve as my personal leadership team (I like to call them my Tribal Council). I came to realize that it was time for me to lead them, not the other way around.
The fire grew. We scooted back. It occurred to me that the fire would need to convert to pure light in order to continue to grow into its full power. I did not know how this would happen, but decided I did not need to know yet.
I embraced Jesus, and departed.
I love you,
Dad
Letters to Leland 