Visions, part 2

May 4, 2023

Dear Leland and Everett,

Today I want to share my first vision with you.  Warning:  it’s long.  It’s also rather confusing.  This happened about a year and a half ago, which meant that we were still experiencing Covid lockdowns (just to provide some context).

The best way I know to share is as I narrated it to myself, as I captured it at the time.  Because I am still processing and learning from it, I don’t know how to effectively summarize.

Why would I even share this?  I’ve been pondering this.  I come up with a few answers:

1. A vision last week suggested I should.
2. I want you to know me better.
3. This vision is so different from anything I know in today’s culture, and anything I had experienced before, that it seems relevant to share.
4. My sense is that this vision is at least somehow guided by an inner connection to God, or at least an inner source of truth.  I feel compelled to share this.  
5. I suspect almost everyone has an inner voice connected to God or an inner source of truth.  Each voice will sound profoundly different, but I suspect each inner voice exists.  
6. I hope that by sharing my inner voice publicly, I empower others to share theirs.  In truth, I hope to find others with whom this resonates.  
7. I hope that by sharing my inner voice, I empower you to locate and give voice to your own.
8. Sharing makes me feel very exposed, and I feel a need to face that fear.  

Anyway, here goes.  Buckle up.  

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I want to heal [your mom].  I want to heal [my friend].  I want to heal the world.

I need to heal ME!

I feel my body healing.  I feel my body align to music in healing.  I sense a light inside me.  I sense the healing power of the light. 

I fuse with [your mom].  I love her beyond depth.  We are healing together.  

I fuse with [my friend].  I go have a beer with him and hold his hands tight.  I love him.  I am sorry for his loss.  I am ready to be friends again.  I love him.  

[Person in the news who was causing me emotional turmoil]: we love you, please step aside.

Mom and Dad: I feel you.  We fuse.  

I levitate and call upon my army.  [!?!?]

I prepare, not for battle per se, but to assume my place, my rightful place as leader. 

I am called! Called to lead.

Sometimes I lead from the front.  Sometimes I support those who wish to lead from the front.  Sometimes I teach.  

When I meet leaders I discover that I am one, too.

Let go!  Let go!

The cracks.  Expand!   [At this point I felt my being expand, cracking with light poring through as my being healed and expanded].

So much love.  So much love.  So much love for her [your mom].

Pain.  So much pain.  Some of it mine.  Some of it [your mom’s].  Some of it my mom’s.  

My voice.  I am finding my voice!  I am finding my gut, my heart, my voice!

I let go of the blockages.  I let go of whatever has come between my energy, my path, my voice, and what needs to be said.

I understand that what I say might not be right.  It might be righteous.  

I am healing.  I am ready to heal.  I am ready to be!  I am ready to release, to let go!  I am ready!

It is time, now, to heal together.  I heal!  I heal.  My broken people heal.  

I feel your pain.  I feel my pain.  I am ready to let go of the pain.  I am ready for you to let go.  I am ready to let go of your pain that I am holding onto.  I am ready to let you find your path.  I am ready to find my path.  I am ready, ready to let the darkness out to make room for the light!  I am ready to let not just my darkness out, but what overlaps between me and others, so that we can carry shared light.  Carry it together.  The light!

We are connected – no matter what we want to think.  No matter what I want to believe.  We are connected.

I am letting go of so much.  I am making room for so much light.

I feel!  I just feel.  
I am!
We are!

We connect.  We are connected, whether we admit it or not.  

The power grows when we make room through release.  It is powerful when I do it alone.  The power expands when we do it together.  

We prepare to fight, not because we want to, but in case we must.  I do not want to.  The fear.  The fear is here.  

Be gone fear.  Let go.  Let it go, to make room for love, for light, for strength.  

Rise.  Release the fear, together.  Release pain – mine, [your mom’s], [my friend’s], my people, my tribe.  We love.  We are not driven by fear.  We release fear.  We face fear.  The fear is here.  But we do not run; we face.  

We feel.  We let the sun rise from within.  We fuse.  Not as family, but as people.  As a tribe.  The tribe of God.  

This is not our tribe.  We connect to other tribes that exist today.  We connect to other tribes, through eternity, now and in past.  Because we connect to one source of light and goodness and strength.  Together.  One voice.  Connecting all the people who find room to channel it, who choose not to block.  To find peace and harmony, to let go, to be what they are supposed to be.  Let the light, the guide, the source, the strength flow through us; and let it heal.  Let us find peace.  Let us find the light within.  

We do heal.  We are health and strength.  We are loved.  We are connected by love.  We let the love, light, strength, the Holy Spirit flow through us.  The one true God that we all see.  That we all know to exist, but cannot prove.  We are all connected to it, through it.  Our arguments, our strife, comes from our own blockages.  Our need to control.  Our unwillingness to face fear.  This is the fear and sadness that block; we can find the love, time, and peace to let go.  We have to let go of the darkness. 

Have strength to face the darkness.  You are not alone.  

I fail when I try to face the darkness alone.  I find strength, we all find strength, I am not alone.  God, love, has me and those I love.  

I facilitate a torrent of strength.  I channel the strength, I channel the light, to face the darkness.  

I see the darkness others see, and darkness that they don’t see.  I see, I feel, darkness rising up.  I feel darkness finding strength, building an army of the unwilling, the sad, the scared.  

Let go of the army.  Let go.  Find he light.  The army has to face fear, has to start with a willingness to feel the fear, the sadness.  It is here.  It is flowing.  We are hurting.  Our family, families, the concentric circles of our beings.  But it is so strong.  We feel when it is in the cosmos; I don’t know how.  When we feel, admit, let go, we know it to be true.  Therein lies the secret. 

Man has so much strength.  Man has so much love.  Man also has so much evil – ugh.  Sometimes the love is so close to the evil.  Sometimes we have to face the love and evil together.  Sometimes you can’t just let go of the evil: we must face it to release it.  

The metaphors of war, of strength and power: I am not familiar with these.  This is part of my warrior toolkit.  It scares others, the strength.  People do not want to see the light because it sits so close to the darkness.  

The strength is seeing the evil at its root.  The strength is meeting the evil where it exists.  The strength is channeling the light and God through the ethos.  We heal this way, and find power, strength, and love.

The cosmos start to whirl inward.  I feel the energy harnessed without fear and darkness inside, and with the sadness, fear, and darkness just outside the light.  I call that power inward.  

Hi Fear.  I face my internal darkness.  I can see the demon at the gates.  The internal demons are harder.  I keep them at bay.  

Strength comes in when those I love feel the power.  Power inspired strength to channel the light.  So much of that fear blocks the light, finds room in the shadows, enables the shadows and darkness to grow.  The light will overcome.  

We struggle, we do not enjoy.  We struggle when the darkness tempts us to avoid because it can sense the strength of the light.  The darkness knows it can’t match the light.  Shadows only grow from fear.  

Fear is okay.  Fear is good.  Fear connects.  Fear grounds.  It is here to channel.  It is a tool.  It is here to let go.  The strength and power that fear weld, the good must find the ability to weld because the darkness is strong, but good is brighter.  

I am afraid it is too much, I am too old, my power is in decline. 

I only see the power of light – I came to the light to see the darkness.  

The prism of light.  I use the lens of the darkness and light together.  There is strength in sitting next to both.  Sitting next to both provides focus.  The tool is weak to start, but we feel it.  We feel it connect.  We know it.  The strength.  The path. 

We turn and face together.  Our first channel together.  We are not weak.  We are strong when we channel the light, the God we do not understand.  It does not matter.  We are meant to know that there is power in this source.  The love, the good, the light, the images, the feeling, words can’t…words fail. I feel, I know, I know I cannot explain.  I will not explain.  I will not be able to prove I know this.  But I feel others; others are ready, and prepared to rise, to shine, to channel, to face the darkness because the path is dark.  We do not know where it leads.  But we trust.  

We do not see because we lost our way. We let our sadness grow.  It overwhelms because we recognize the fear everyday.  We know it.  The fear does not take shape.  It hides as a trick and we fall for it.  

We know you have to start small to spread the light.  Start in the far corners of the universe and let it draw power.  Do not reject the love.  You now accept.  You now hold it.  

I gave some back because I feared I couldn’t channel the light.  I used to be ashamed.  The evil, it just needs light.  

Find the strength.  Find the willingness.  Find the power. 

Draw power from the fear.  Draw power from the love.  Draw power from your family, your loved ones.  Do not feel guilt.  Be willing to draw the love; you have allowed fear to block it.  Today I choose to draw strength from those I love.  

I draw strength.  It is not bad!  Drawing strength in service of light.  Now is the time for all sources of light, even the ones you want to stay blocked.  Now is the time to let the darkness to recede because of the light.  

Now is the time.

Peace, joy, harmony.  

The strength sits at the table.  It is an elder with a voice.  The voice must be heard.  

You have always known the voice will flow.  I try to control it.  Allow it to flow.

The warrior must remember reverence with the darkness; it honors it so that the light will grow.  

We share the fire together.  The fire is the source of light.  The fire and the light are here to provide lightness so that others can see.  Let us see.  

Allow the warrior to back away.  Thank him for his service.  Acknowledge your fear of the warrior to enable darkness.  Face the fear:  your warrior, when unleashed, will not be out of control.  We can channel and harness the light.  

We are not all warriors, but I am.  

I accept that I am a warrior.  I accept the responsibility of being a warrior. I will no longer avoid that power out of fear!

The first fear is of the light.  The second fear is of the light growing out of control, burning everything down.  

Remember the light needs focus, needs to nurture, to grow.  

Most warriors cannot see, but I can.  

I embrace my path has been small as a warrior and a seer.  It is time to own it.  

People understand I shine a light as a seer and a warrior.  

My light shines the brightest.  

My light gets lost because I lost my way. 

Today, I declare no more!  That I will approach the path – I embrace my future.  As a warrior, as a seer – both!  The light is not revealed to me yet, it is coming.  

I must know that I am loved.  I am love.  To feel love I must trust the power of love.  The light, vision, and clarity of my path will be revealed.  

My path is being revealed.  

My parents will learn to know not to protect and shelter me.  Let me go, to accept me as I accept myself. 

I will lead a huge victory.  

I am one of an army of warriors.  All willing to trust, to love, and connect with the love.  Embrace joy and creativity that wants to flow.  When we flow, the light gets brighter.  You can rest, you have fought.  

They are waiting for me; they are grateful.  

I have avoided the paths to the greater good.  Enabling my role, my internal power, so that I can sit at the throne.  

My path is right by my, waiting for me. 

You are asking me to take the path of least resistance.  I do not need to know today.  I can put down the armor.  I can understand and accept.  The armor was heavy.  Oh my goodness, I feel lighter!  

Focus on the joy; I choose to let go of the shame.  I will embrace the love, light, and power. 

Your role is to see far.  To find a path from today and the vision – to the light.  

I accept my role is larger than my fear wants to allow.  

I accept that I must not fear.  Draw on my inner strength.  The strength is light, fire, and focused.  

I am drawing strength from source.  It is not selfish.  It flows through me and into the universe.  I must embrace my role in the universe.  I must allow the energy to flow through me.  

It is my calling to allow the light to flow through me.  

The more the warrior can embrace, the more it can let go, the more the Self, the light can be seen.  

Light is there.  It guides us all.  Trust it.  

On the path, I can trust the Source, drink from it, embrace it.

The light allows me to accept those I love will find it on their own.  I just need to be with me, first.  

I resist because I had long paths, but as a warrior I also know that I can let go.  When I must, I can return to the light.  I know the light is always there.  

I do not need to travel to find the light.  So many paths.  So many.  I find strength and faith that my path is clear, the aspects of the path that I need to see today; that my future strength and source have the guardrails to guide.  This time embraced by me.  I choose to put my ego aside.  It was me who wanted to control the fire and light.  I let go. 

My gift is seeing.  Honor that.  

I fit in the whole!  It is my place.  

I am not meant to ignore the love I have inside, to fear my own light. 

The shortest path of the warrior is seeing my own light.

My path begins be seeing my own light.

When I see my light it connects the now and the vision I see.  I must trust my light.  Accept all of the love that builds and channels us.  We are all connected.  

My path requires faith in myself, in God, in others, but first myself.  
The shortest path allows me to travel without the armor.  It is the path I yearn for.

I see myself wanting to guide those I love.  I see myself loving and trusting where they are.  Either the longer or the shorter path – knowing they do not need me to shine a path because I have already shone.  I need to stay on my path.  I can feel warmth and light to see my own path.  

Because I love, I accept my love and allow my love to move.  My love moves through me.  

I accept that all the paths are not perfect.  

I do not fear.  I do not control.  I do not need to control the path of my future self.  I can let my power, power of those I love, power of the universe flow so I can navigate.

They (the paths) are for me, by me, of me – there is no difference.  I choose the shortcuts.  I control my willingness to expand and accelerate.

It is all meant to be for me, for [your mom], [my friend], her mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my sister’s family, my kids.  

I do not worry about them today.  I have carved many paths.  I will witness them navigating their paths, their struggle.  I will see that they don’t see their light.  They will struggle on their paths.  That’s okay.  They will be okay.  

I must accept and see the light in me. 

You are saying to the inner most part of you that you are prepared and are on the perfect path.  The beauty of our life is that we/I get to choose what path we are on.  Understanding that there are responsibilities to the warrior king, to be inward.  Will will make mistakes; that is okay. 

You can trust yourself most of all to let go.  Trust yourself.  You are perfect, and on the perfect path.  

My boys will take their paths.  It is my job to put up some rails to hold the path – but it is their path.  Watch them.  They are on their own paths.  

My people, my people – by letting go of them, I grow my love inward.  Through me they feel more love.  Because my flame is bigger.  I supported them and they supported me and we trusted each other.  

I love me.  We all love.  We all love!  We all accept.  We all know.  

I love me.

This is the end of my journey.  Where I can turn back, that I can trust I can return later.  The path may not look the same when I return.  I do not need to worry; the path will be lit.  Because I trust me, I trust them.  I love me, I love them.  Because we are all love.  

I heal other people by healing me. 

I really love [your mom] and I know she really loves me.  We are going to practice, accept our journey together, support each other, love each other.  Our journey needs intention and a little repair.  We are beautiful together.  

My journey is not as a man, or father, but as a warrior.  I have all the tools I need to have.

Today’s journey was about there is a path.  The path is inward to me, yet then also outward.  

It all comes back to love and trust!  We have to keep navigating the external, but most importantly the internal, with love and trust. 

[My friend] needs to love himself.  We are going to grow together and separate.  

I have always struggled to pray for people that struggle.  God be there for [my friend] and his family.  

I connect with the concentric circles of the world.  My family, my friends, my acquaintances, and the entire world.  We are physically distant, but connected.  We can reach each other at any time.  

I love connecting the physical and spiritual ways.  I believe I can use my unique voice in the world to connect.  

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That was a lot, but I want to share a few thoughts, observations, and interpretations.  

When rereading my notes for the first time (the day after the vision), I was horrified by the warrior language.  I don’t identify as a warrior; I cannot remember that I ever have.  I was uncomfortable at the thought of embracing a warrior persona.  I was also uncomfortable discussing power and strength.  One interpretation of this journey is that I rediscovered my masculinity, though I’ll admit I’m still processing what the warrior language means.  I’m not finding resonance around the idea of fighting, of war, of battle.  What does resonate is leadership, strength, internal resolve, setting boundaries, bravery in the face of fear, and standing firm in what I know even when surrounded by others in fear.  

I was also horrified with my language regarding light and dark.  I typically don’t think in terms of Good vs Evil, and found the Light vs Darkness framing as uncomfortably close.  I’m still, a year and a half later, processing what this meant.  My current interpretation is that 1) the light is God (and the God within me/us), and our willingness to let God flow through us; 2) Darkness is what happens when we turn away from God, creating blockages from fear that cast shadows (not only on us, but also on those around us); 3) fear is not the same as darkness. I sense I mixed the terms at the time.  My current sense is that we all feel fear: for those willing to let God’s energy flow, the fear provides fuel, or the spark of creative energy; for those not willing to let God’s energy flow, we run away from fear, blocking God’s energy, creating darkness and shadows.  

The verbiage about the warrior leading is interesting.  I’ve always read it literally: that I am meant to lead others.  Reading it now today, it’s entirely possible that it really just meant that I am meant to lead my internal being, and the various personas therein.  

Prior to this vision, I didn’t necessarily think that I needed to heal.  Afterward I recognized the truth, and have spent the time since more focused on spiritual and emotional healing (and more recently, physical healing).  

I was struck with the notion that I could feel others’ pain.  This thought hadn’t occurred to me before, but I’ve noticed it regularly since.  Everett, given your tremendous empathy and emotional resonance, I encourage you to be aware of when you are feeling your own emotions vs the emotions of others (even at 5, I see you reverberate the emotions of others regularly).  

Prior to this vision, I was not aware of how much energy I was spending attempting to control the actions of others.  

Prior to this vision, I did not generally talk about “light”, “source”, or “God” much.  I didn’t feel much of a connection to any of the above.  I certainly didn’t sense that we are all connected.  Since, I’ve felt a deepening connection to all, and am finding my willingness to talk about them.

Let’s just say that the vision laid out a much more ambitious path than I had for myself at the time.  

Perhaps foretold by the vision: my sense is that I am nearing the end of my journey inward, and about to begin my journey outward again.  

Okay, I will stop there for today.  

I love you,

Dad