February 28, 2023
Dear Everett,
Last week I took your brother on a ski trip. This trip was, I think, the first time I have been away from home for more than an evening since you were born (it’s possible I took a work trip in your first few months; since your first birthday I’m sure this was my first extended trip away from home). Your mom and I enjoy being together, and typically plan as much time together as possible. More recently, we’ve experimented with trips to help us individually recharge; the results so far have been promising. We benefit from some time away and a change of scenery; a little time apart reminds us what we love about each other, that make a great team together, and that we do countless invisible things for each other.
The trip was momentous for another reason: you understandably felt left out. Leland had a friend going on the trip, but so did you. Originally I intended to take both of you. I decided to take just Leland for three reasons: 1) your mom wanted you to stay home with her (if I’m being honest, I don’t think she trusted me to take care of both of you without her); 2) I don’t know how to drive in snow, and the friend who offered to drive us up the mountain only had space in his car for me and Leland; 3) ultimately I realized I wasn’t prepared to take care of both you and your brother on a trip, particularly to an environment as unfamiliar (to me) as a ski resort. So I just took your brother, with the understanding that this would help me prepare to take both of you on a trip in the future.
You were disappointed, but handled your disappointment wonderfully. Partly this is because your mom made a great sales pitch: you would get to spend the entire week with just mom (and she made good on her promise, lavishing you with far more attention than normal). I sensed that you also felt a little pressured by the rest of us to go along with the plan. Your willingness to agree reminded me of an important distinction between you and your brother: while Leland is sensitive and particular, you (like me) are agreeable by nature. Agreeableness can be a wonderful gift: when others have a strong preference, we are more than happy to do what others prefer. But agreeableness can also be a curse if we lose touch with our wants and needs, or if friends, family, or even coworkers come to expect us to do what they want and neglect our desires and preferences. Everyone experiences others’ attempts to influence us into doing things we don’t want, but due to your empathy and agreeableness you will feel more pressure than most to conform to the will of others. In those situations, be purposeful about checking in with yourself: identify your wants, be honest about your willingness to do what others are asking of you, and when possible voice your opinions. You will develop healthier relationships with yourself and the people you love if you stay connected to and express your own wants and needs.
Separately, your mom and I noticed that you were angry with me last week, particularly when Leland and I called daily to check in. You were happy to talk to Leland, but generally ignored me. You wrote your mom a note saying “Momy is the best. Dady is the worst. Love Everett”. I tell this story because it reminds me of another important of your characteristics: you are very relationship-driven. While your brother is hyper-analytical and typically prioritizes facts and objectivity over the feelings of others, you typically prioritize relationships and the feelings of loved ones. Your understanding of facts can be heavily skewed by the desires of your loved ones. To be clear, I say this not to criticize, just to illuminate. Being relationship-driven is perfectly normal and common; it is simply important to be aware of your tendency.
Thinking back to your anger toward me last week: you could have been angry at your mom for encouraging you to stay home with her. You could have been angry at Leland for going on this trip without you. Or you could have been angry at all of us. You didn’t do those things: you directed your anger toward me. I think this is partly because you have learned that I am able to handle your outbursts and frustrations. But mostly I think you directed your anger at me because I am currently 3rd (within our family) on your hierarchy of relationships.
Again, it’s perfectly fine to be relationship-driven, and it’s fine to prioritize some relationships over others. As you mature, you will want to practice awareness of any ‘whipping boys’ in your life. In other words, who are the people in your life toward whom you disproportionately direct anger? These are most commonly spouses, but often include parents, siblings, children, friends, and even coworkers (particularly if you manage a team of folks).
You might assume I’m encouraging you to practice awareness toward the ‘whipping boys’ in your life out of empathy for the recipients of your anger. That assumption would be wrong: I encourage you to practice awareness of the sources of your anger out of compassion for yourself. You certainly damage the emotional wellbeing of others by lashing out at them. Far more important, however, you carry far more toxicity than you spew, and you damage your own spirit and soul when you mindlessly lash out at others. Becoming aware of your habitual expressions of anger will help you explore the sources of that anger with curiosity and compassion, which will help you learn and grow and, most importantly, let go of the fears and sadness that form the source of the misplaced anger.
To your great credit, as of this writing you process your emotions quite proactively and healthily. Whereas your brother has a tendency to suppress his emotions, you tend to feel yours deeply in real time. When you are sad you cry. When you are angry you scream. And when you are scared you appeal for help and shake. As you age, I hope you retain the ability to process your emotions healthily, but our society encourages the suppression of emotion, and you will feel pressured to bottle up your negative feelings as you mature. If you become aware of these social pressures in your life, I encourage you to return to practicing the healthy processing and release of your emotions; don’t hit or scream at others, but feel free to hit a pillow or punching bag, and feel free to scream away from others. These reactions will help you process your feelings and improve your long term health and happiness; they will also create awareness in those around you of how you feel, and those that love you will (and this can be counterintuitive) appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and willingness to share how you feel. People appreciate and identify with honest emotional expression; we resonate with and are drawn to others who are willing to express their emotions authentically.
You have the gift of emotional expression, and I hope you never lose it. If you do, I encourage you to rediscover it.
I love you,
Dad
Letters to Leland 